|THE ICE PIRATES
|Copyright 1984 MGM Pictures
| Reviewed by Ashthecat (with special thanks to "RAJ")
on 17 May 2005
- Jason - The late Robert Urich! Leader of the ice pirates and all around ladies man.
- Roscoe - Jason's right-hand man and robot technician. Wants to retire and design robots, preferably black ones.
- Princess Karina - Mary Crosby! (Daughter of Bing Crosby) Beautiful princess searching for her father.
- Maida - Anjelica Houston! Female pirate. Whatever you do, do not insult her and then challenge her to a swordfight.
- Killjoy - The late John Matuszak! (Former defensive end for the L.A. Raiders) Though not an original member of the pirates, he quickly joins their ranks.
- Zeno - Ron Perlman! Member of Jason's group. Has his hand lopped off by an enemy robot. Ouch!
- Nanny - Princess Karina's personal maid, er, nanny. Aged to a skeleton in time warp then returned to normal afterwards.
- Zorn - Evil Templar who is second in command after the Supreme Commander. Sets a trap under orders for the pirates to locate the 7th world.
- Supreme Commander - The late John Carradine! Supreme Commander of the Templars and mastermind of the plot to use the pirates to find the 7th world. A VERY old man who spends his days in the ultimate hospital bed guarded by menacing robots.
- Wendon - Spoiled man/robot who knows the whereabouts of Karina's father. Guarded at all times by Amazon space women. Joins the pirates.
- Frog Lady - Originally thought to be male, but Jason finds out otherwise. Obliterated by bounty hunters while in her vehicle.
- Percy the Robot - Princess Karina's robot who wears a white collar and bowtie. "A real tough guy." Just ask him.
- The Pirate's Robots - Very expensive and very stupid.
- The Space Herpe - Disgusting slug-like creature. Likes to hide inside freshly cooked turkeys and then burst out of them "Alien" style. Squashed by Percy the Robot.
|When you hear the word "pirate," several images start to form in your mind. Gruff looking men who wear patches over their eyes. They are never without their trusty swords and some even carry the dreaded flintlock pistol. They rape. They pillage. They fly the Jolly Roger proudly atop the masts of their ships. We all know that pirates have only one reason why they do what they do and that reason is money. Treasure! Booty! And they mean to take it by whatever means necessary.
Well, the pirates in this film fit most of that profile, sort of.
They are just a little too nice and, well, bumbling.
Instead of sailing the high seas, these rogues dash through space in assorted small ships. These men and women (yes, there are women pirates in it too) also carry the sword on one hip. On the other, a handy laser pistol.
Their treasure of choice?
It seems that in the future the galaxy has gone dry and water is the only thing of value. Jason leads the band of pirates that this movie focuses on. He and his men steal ice for a living. His right-hand man is Roscoe, a proud African-American pirate who is also the chief robot builder and technician. Together with the rest of the group, they launch daring raids against the wicked Templars, an arrogant and ruthless race of people from the planet Mithra, and their fleet of water hoarding ships. The Templars' aim is to stockpile all of the water for themselves to maintain power and control over all who inhabit the galaxy.
Jason and a few others from his group are taken prisoner after a botched raid on a Templar ice ship at the start of the film, but not before he attempts to kidnap Princess Karina to hold her for ransom. The rest of his crew manages to make it back to the Pirate Moon via their cool ship which is able to split into 3 separate sections (wouldn't the crew of the more modern Enterprise be jealous) and the recently freed Karina secretly sees an opportunity to make use of the captured pirates to her advantage. She needs them to help her find her father.
One of the more amusing and frightening moments in the film, especially if you're a guy, comes next as she saves Jason and Roscoe from being castrated, lobotomized, and subsequently turned into white-wigged, high voiced slaves. While appearing to be her servants at a nightclub party later than evening, she solicits Jason and Roscoe's help to escape from Mithra and to locate her father. Zorn realizes what the Princess is up to and as soon as Jason & Co. leaves he orders an immediate pursuit. Killjoy, who tags along for the ride, pays a gold chain to a jive talking pimp robot with a ship to take them away from Mithra.
"Lets go Bloods...This be my bad carrier!" the pimp robot says, while heading towards its ship.
Karina's father is thought to be the only person who knows the location of The 7th World; an Earth-like planet that allegedly has the most abundant water supply in the galaxy. More than any dry and thirsty mate could hope for. There are only two problems...to reach the 7th World, if it does indeed exist, they must first pass through a dangerous time warp en route where even the slightest deviation off course could doom them all to oblivion. And the pirates have no idea as to where it is.
Jason and his few remaining pirate friends, along with Princess Karina, her Nanny, and Percy the Robot travel to the Pirate Moon. They end up enlisting the help of a frog lady and her ground transport to find Lanky Nibbs, a fellow chum of Jason's. Lanky had previously traveled with Karina's father to the 7th World (he aged 20 years doing so in the time warp) and confirms its existence to Jason. He unfortunately does not know the whereabouts of Karina's father but he does know of another person who might. Lanky directs them to go see Wendon, a spoiled, petulant human head with a robot's body (haven't I seen him on Hollywood Squares?) on a distant unnamed planet. Wendon is guarded at all times by Amazon space women who ride unicorns.
These Amazon Space women are sworn to protect Wendon and almost as soon as Jason and his group arrive, they are taken prisoner by them. Roscoe is the exception...he manages to avoid capture. Jason and his group are freed by Roscoe and then, through Wendon's ticklish nose, it is revealed that Karina's father escaped to the water planet but was replaced with an Omega robot.
With no other choice, but to join the pirates, Wendon jumps on board with Jason and company and they head into the time warp to go on a one-way trip straight to the 7th World.
As Jason and crew travel through the warp, time starts speeding up and everyone (including the pursuing Templars, who set the whole thing up from the very start to follow the pirates to the water planet) begins to age rapidly. Jason bangs Princess Karina just before they enter the warp and impregnates her. Their love child grows from an infant to Jason's age in a matter of minutes. Nanny does not favor so well in the warp. Already an old woman, she is aged to a skeleton!
The Templars, while in time warp, board the pirate's craft and a furious sword/laser pistol battle ensues. By the time the battle is nearly over everyone has aged to 80 or 90 years old and they all sport long white hair and beards. The pursuing Templar ship drifts a little off course in the warp and the enemy are all lost forever in time. The pirates exit the warp safely and all of them are restored back to their original age. Lo & behold they find that the 7th World is no myth. It really exists. It's right there in front of them.
This is a fun movie and Jason, the robots and the space herpe steal the show. I've always been a big fan of the late Robert Urich and this film stands out as one of his best. If you're a B-movie lover than this is a MUST SEE!! Enjoy!
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- No matter how many laser weapons you have, you still need a sword.
- An entire group of pirates and robots are able to cling to the ceiling in a matter of seconds to avoid being detected.
- Pirates are able to swing from live power lines without being electrocuted.
- Tylenol is readily available throughout the galaxy.
- Ships laser station graphics are similar to an Atari 2600.
- Templars don't castrate clergy. Just in case.
- Some robots are programmed to speak jive and pimp ho's.
- Pirate cafes always have solar steamers.
- 6 mins - They actually believe that it's the nanny speaking!
- 7 mins - I would sneak a peak at her assets too.
- 11 mins - Man! That little robot can sure kick some butt!
- 13 mins - Just beat on a Templar vending machine to get it to work properly.
- 27 mins - Upon seeing those metal jaws I would be screaming too!
- 34 mins - Ahhhh! The total slaughter of a robot's family.
- 65 mins - The space herpe's second appearance.
- 84 mins - A scared robot pees all over the floor! His metal buddy behind him slips on it!
- 90 mins - The 7th world is finally located.
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Narrator: "Long after the great interplanetary wars, the galaxy has gone dry. Water has become the only thing left of value. Evil Templars from the planet Mithra have gained control of this life giving resource. Their power is absolute, except for a few rebel pirates who survive by stealing ice from the great Templar fleets."
||Zorn: "Killing you would be too easy. I have something better in mind for you!"
||Jason: "Seeing what" |
Nibbs: "The 7th world. They found a way through to the center and the 7th world."
Jason: "And you believed them."
Nibbs: "I saw the tapes, tasted the water."
||Karina: "What was that?" |
Karina: "A what?"
Jason: "Space herpe."
Nanny: "That's disgusting!"
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|The time warp is making everyone age quickly in this scene, but the Templars are pressing ahead with their boarding of the pirate's ship. I kept expecting to hear someone yelling, "Arthur!" over and over. |
And, yes, that is Ron Perlman behind all that white hair.
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