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Rated R
Copyright 1994 Production Company Unknown
Reviewed by Warren H. on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Terry Bogard - Best fighter in the world, looses all but one fight.
  • Andy Bogard - Terry's feminine brother, looses all but one fight.
  • Joe Higashi - Jerkweed kickboxer, wins no fights, should have died.
  • Mai Shiranui - Misproportioned ninja mega-babe, has a thing for Andy.
  • Laocorn Gaudeamus - Evil she-man type arrogant punk, seeks godhood.
  • Sulia Gaudeamus - Laocorn's sister, has a thing for getting naked in churches.
  • Jamin - Exessively cool guy who can throw lava at people.
  • Panni - Every bit as misproportioned as Mai, summons up waterspouts and stuff.
  • Hauer - Looks just like Andy, sounds like David Bowie, can destroy disco clubs at will.
  • Kim Kaphwan - Wears three-piece suits over gym clothes, gets beaten up.
  • Rubber guys in weird masks - Get beaten up.
  • Other random people - Get beaten up.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

A fat guy finds a piece of an ancient suit of armor, the armor of Mars (as in the Greek god, not the planet). Jamin, Panni, and Hauer kill lots of people and Laocorn takes the armor from the fat guy. Cut to Joe Higashi kneeing the crap out of a kickboxer and some lingering shots of Mai's generous chest. Andy, Mai, and Terry show up at Joe's victory celebration in time to see Kim Kaphwan get the stuffing beaten out of him by the reanimated corpse of the fat guy from the beginning. Enter Sulia, who convinces the gang to accompany her on a quest for the last few pieces of the Armor of Mars. Turns out her brother Laocorn wants it so he can become a god. We are treated to the group splitting up and roving the globe while no opportunity to showcase Mai's breasts is wasted. Everybody (except Joe, unfortunately) is beaten to a pulp by either Jamin, Panni, Hauer, or Laocorn. They end up in Jerusalem, where Sulia is kidnapped and Panni and Hauer are defeated in the cruddiest way possible. Hauer even gets to be killed twice. Anyway, Laocorn finds the final piece of the armor, Jamin kills himself (for some reason), Laocorn becomes a god, beats up everybody, and is defeated when Sulia kills herself. This weakens Laocorn enough for Terry to punch him in the chest so hard that the armor comes to life and beats up everybody again. At last, the demon is defeated by Terry's use of flashing blue and red lights (you'd just have to see it to understand, and even then you won't understand).

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Getting punched in the nads will cause you to spit up blood.
  • Getting thrown against a wall will cause you to spit up blood.
  • If you want to beat up a zombie, just smash his mask.
  • Alexander the Great was defeated by Gaudeamus, not whatever the history books say.
  • Guys who street fight are clean, well-spoken, well-educated, and have plenty of money.
  • Japanese girls all have tremendous chests.
  • The way to care for someone who's just been severely beaten and thrown off a building is to lie on them in a church naked.
  • It's fun to let your boyfriend think you've been raped when you actually haven't.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 4 mins - Jamin is not threatened by guns, no sir.
  • 6 mins - Wow! Mai's chest in close-up.
  • 10 mins - That's one hard punch in the nuts!
  • 30 mins - Terry gets beat up real good.
  • 33 mins - Mai's striptease.
  • 45 mins - Well, that makes everybody gotten beat up.
  • 70 mins - So much for Panni and Hauer.
  • 95 mins - What the hell is going on?
  • 100 mins - The end. (Yay!)

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