|FANTASY MISSION FORCE
|Copyright 1982 (1984 Aquarius Releasing, Inc.)
| Reviewed by Max Gardener
on 11 January 2008
- Sammy - Jackie Chan! Two-bit con man and the only apparent survivor of the film.
- Emily - Sammy's manager. Shot by Lt. Don.
- Old Sun - Look up "dirty old man" in the dictionary and you'll find this guy's picture. Shot by Lt. Don.
- Billy and Lily - Husband-and-wife mercenaries. Killed in the final battle.
- Baldy and Stone - Two of our loyal Scottish Chinese allies. I think there's something going on between these two. Both killed in the final battle.
- Greased Lightning - Escape artist who wears sunglasses and a leather jacket. Killed in the final battle.
- Lt. Don - Jimmy Wang Yu! Leader of the Fantasy Mission Force. He betrays them in the end and apparently dies when the Nazi barn - um, headquarters - explodes.
|"Fantasy Mission Force," one of the three films Jackie Chan helped Jimmy Wang Yu make in order to pay off his Triad debts, may well be the single most unabashedly psychotic film ever made. It's a life-changing experience. My college roommate had a bizarre dream in which he was told that this movie is actually an epic retelling of War and Peace and a scathing commentary on the evils of money and power. Whatever it is, if you go into it expecting a Jackie Chan kung fu film, you will be utterly traumatized (he's only onscreen for about fifteen minutes). I don't recommend watching all of Fantasy Mission Force in one sitting.
The plot is fairly simple: four WWII Allied Major Generals, including Abraham Lincoln (yes, they say his name), are kidnapped by the Japanese. As Rocky, Snake Plisskin, the Bald Detective and James Bond are all otherwise occupied, Lieutenant Don is called on to assemble an eclectic group of mercenaries and killers - the Fantasy Mission Force (hereby referred to as the FMF) to rescue the generals.
Throughout their long journey through the wilds of Canada, the FMF passes through such diverse locales as an Amazon village, where they must escape a tribe of toilet-paper-throwing Amazon women, to a haunted house infested with Satanists and hopping zombies. Finally they reach their destination - a barn - and must engage in a final showdown with an army of samurai, Roman soldiers, aliens, and Japanese Nazis. This is where the movie gets devious. We have grown to like these characters in a mentally disturbed sort of way - and then most of them are brutally killed in the final battle!
No review could ever do this film justice. "Fantasy Mission Force" would make my screenwriting professor break down in tears. Although, oddly enough, it does follow the standard three-act structure. It's brilliant in the most awful way possible. If at any point this movie starts making sense to you, please check yourself into the nearest psychiatric institute.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Abraham Lincoln was an American Major General during World War II.
- 1940s Canada was a pretty strange place.
- John Carpenter either doesn't know or doesn't care if other people use his Halloween theme in their movies.
- The 1970s Lincoln Continental was the car of choice for the battle-ready Roman centurion in the World War II Canadian wilderness.
- 2 mins - This movie has just gone off the deep end.
- 5 mins - The incredible restaurant scene.
- 8 mins - The most abrupt scene change in the history of cinema.
- 10 mins - That cliff wasn't there a second ago.
- 20 mins - I'm convinced there are about five different movies going on here at the same time and no one told me.
- 27 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A HOUSE!
- 34 mins - Greased Lightning, what the hell are you talking about?
- 47 mins - I am scarred for life.
- 57 mins - Spending the night in the haunted house? Great idea, guys.
- 69 mins - The Nazi base is a fortified barn?
- 71 mins - If Wesley Willis had directed The Road Warrior….
- 75 mins - Aliens and samurai and Romans, oh my.
- 77 mins - You go, Greased Lightning.
- 79 mins - OUCH.
- 87 mins - Sammy's pretty acrobatic for a guy who just got stabbed in the gut three times with a sword.
- Robber: "But you must call me papa!"
Old Sun: "Papa."
- Lt. Don: "Well now, you ate my dinner, and now you wanna run."
Greased Lightning: "Eh? Who are you?"
Lt. Don: "You don't need to know that. But I know who you are. Greased Lightning, the top break away expert."
- Lt. Don: "I can destroy your past records, only if you'll promise me one thing."
Greased Lightning: "That so? Never mind one thing. I will do one hundred things, if you can do that."
- The Killer from Tokyo: "I'm the Killer from Tokyo! Bastard, you drugged me and disguised the Killer as me! I'll kill him!"
- Old Sun: "I think, when I get the money, I'll get a place in the mountains. And a wife, a strong one, who will give me many kids. And they'll all be commandos!"
- Sammy: "Gotcha! You're gonna be my dinner tonight! I'm gonna put you in the oven! I'm gonna roast you! Oh!"
- Billy: "Can't you see they're all very horny?"
- Baldy: "In the coffin, old lady, old lady!"
Stone: "Sure it's not your mother?"
- Abraham Lincoln: "What's your rank, and which unit are you from? Don't you know we're generals? Don't you respect senior officers?"
Sammy: "I don't know any generals. To me you look like clowns!"
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||The generals, including Abraham Lincoln, discuss the latest intelligence reports.
||Amazon Leader: "Of ten men, nine are dirty! You have dirty language, and dirty minds." |
Old Sun: "Doesn't look like a man to me."
Amazon Leader: "Right. I'm an artist. I worship beauty. I will destroy anything that is imperfect in my eyes - bit by bit, and slowly."
||Greased Lightning: "Is there an ambush?" |
Old Sun: "I didn't see anything."
Baldy: "Then what were you shooting at in there?"
Old Sun: "Just taking precautions!"
Billy: "What happened to your head?"
Old Sun: "I used the gun to shoot at the walls, and the bullets bounced and hit me in the head!"
Billy: "Pig! You're crazy!"
||Lily: "Relax. Bad people are always the last to die. Do I look like a good person?" |
Billy: "Even the ghosts are scared of you!"
Lily: "Ah, that's all nonsense. They're just a whole bunch of wizards. They use ghosts to scare people. But really, they're nothing."
Old Sun: "Ha! My God, you're smart!"
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|The FMF is attacked by a horde of leaping Ku Klux Klan cavemen that throw colored toilet paper rolls at the team (this is not an entirely accurate description).
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