DINOSAUR VALLEY GIRLS
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1996 Frontline Entertainment
| | Reviewed by Chad
on 'a long time ago' |
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- Tony - Jeff Rector - Martial Arts Action Movie Star, well on his way to hasbeendom (he is in this movie after all).
- Hea-thor - Denise Ames - The Dinosaur Valley Girl of Tony's dreams.
- Moe-mac (or maybe it was Big Mac?) - Tony's Arch Nemesis from the Dinosaur Valley Guy Cave.
- Ro-Kell - Karen Black - She's the Dinosaur Valley Girls' leader and the only one who doesn't show her breasts (Thank God).
- The Dinosaur Valley Girls - They all had names like Bam-bee and Tray-See, 'nuff said.
- The Dinosaur Valley Guys - Neanderthals with gas problems (I'm not getting into that).
- The Reporter - She wants to interview Tony about his latest sequel.
- The Scientist - William (Blacula) Marshall earning his rent.
- Daphne - Tony's present time squeeze. She wants a "little" part in his sequel and seems to have the IQ of room temperature yogurt.
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Tony the Action Star is having trouble sleeping, he is having vivid dreams of the phoniest, cheesiest looking dinosaurs and a cute cavewoman that looks at him in a very, um, interested way. To make matters worse his career is on the slide, his girlfriend keeps begging/insisting/whining for a "little" part in his next sequel, he keeps getting his ass whupped at the Dojo, and his masseuse wants a "little" part in his next movie as well.
A Reporter shows up and asks for an interview, thus moving the plot forward a half step. Tony says yes to the interview but first takes her to a dinosaur museum to get to the bottom of his dreams. At the museum he has another flash of visions and stuns the resident Scientist Guy. Seems that Tony's visions contain information that No Living Person Should Know, or something like that. The Scientist Guy then shows Tony his secret cave drawings and artifacts. Seems that these things are scientifically impossible, being only a measly one million years old.
The Scientist Guy has a theory that the artifacts came from a place he calls DINOSAUR VALLEY (and it sounds just the way I typed it). Tony sudden seizes an amulet that he recognizes and makes a wish, WHOOSH he is in Dinosaur Valley. There he meets the Dinosaur Valley Guys and gets in a fight with them (only after they introduce themselves and Tony shows off his nifty amulet) and gets knocked deeper into the valley.
Hea-thor is there, after a scrap with a bargain basement Animatronic Allosaur that is only capable of two movements (and it wobbles a lot when making them) Hea-thor takes Tony home (kinda like a pet). The other girls try to line up for his, er, companionship. Turns out that these ladies are hiding out from the Dino Valley Guys because they are fed up with the abusive Caveman ways, but they sure miss that Caveman lovin'.
Around this time there was a music video, why I don't know. The DV Guys eventually just grab the DV Girls and bring them home for what they think is gonna be some easy loving, but the girls show them the error of their ways (thanks to Tony's Kung-Fu lessons) by beating the crud outta them, take THAT you MCPs.
Mo-mac rightly blames Tony and the really bad kung-fu non-action moves into Bronson Canyon, setting for many a better sci-fi flick. Mo-mac gets the upper hand and Tony uses the second of his three wishes (huh?) to go back to the present day. He gets a pack of matches when he can't get guns (It's a MUSEUM you moron, what the hell were you thinking?) and uses his last wish to go back to what is now home. He kicks Mo-macs ass, reunites the tribe, and lives happily ever after, until Hea-thor asks him for just a "little" part. (Huh? Was she talking about...uh, well) Oh yeah, and Daphne gets the lead in Tony's sequel...the end.
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Cavewomen wore lots of make-up and had implants.
- When attacked by dinosaurs cavewomen had their bras torn off and got smacked around.
- Cavemen could only draw stick figures, the cavewomen were the real artists.
- Most women (regardless of era) are only interested in "little" parts.
- Cavewomen were staunch anti-smokers.
- When they had a cat fight cavewoman actually sounded like cats.
- Cavemen could whoop a third degree black belt's ass and send him running off to get a gun.
- Your (wet) dreams CAN come true.
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- 15 secs - I AM OZ!
- 3 mins - Gratuitous Nudity!
- 5 mins - More Gratuitous Nudity!
- 10 mins - Even more Gratuitous Nudity, send me to Dinosaur Valley!
- 35 mins-RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A CELL PHONE!
- 20 mins - You call that lumpy thing a dinosaur?????
- 30 mins - And just who the heck were you calling on that cell phone you dork?
- 54 mins - Why is there a music video here?
- 60 mins (?) - Inside the Dreams of Joe Esterhauz. (sp?)
- 65 mins (?) - Cat fight with breast grabbing and Gratuitous Nudity.
- 70 mins (?) - Ultra-fake dinosaur next to an ultra-matted explosion, twice! Its recycling at its finest.
- 90 mins - "Uh, just what do you mean by 'little part?'"
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