|Copyright 1984 Dino de Laurentiis
| Reviewed by Davey Whipwreck
on 15 August 2001
- Paul - Kyle MacLachlan! Big-haired son of a duke, messiah, and super being.
- The Fremen - A bunch of dirty people who live in the desert and have blue eyes.
- Chani - Sean Young! She instantly becomes Paul's lover because he had a dream about her once.
- Stilgar - Paul's (future) best friend and leader of the Fremen. The chief of "giving Paul a knowing glance." Makes lots of weird "UNH!" sounds for no apparent reason.
- The Baron - Angry fat guy who can fly.
- Feyd-Rautha - Sting! The Baron's evil nephew. Has messy, orange hair and wears a kinky black body suit. Has only mastered the emotions of "arrogant" and "looking up arrogantly, covered in blood, with a knife in the face."
- Rabban - Bluto from that Popeye movie! The Baron's evil nephew. Has messy, orange hair and wears a kinky black body suit. Has only mastered the emotions of "evil glee" and "decapitated evil glee."
- The Guild Navigator - A giant tumor that floats around in a big box and has the ability to make planets (or something) with beams of light from it's anus-like mouth.
|Dune is an awesome book by Frank Herbert. Then David Lynch made it into a movie with an all-star cast and kind of screwed it up in places by leaving out three or four of the main characters altogether and confusing the hell out of us. The story begins with Princess Irulan (who you may recognize as "that chick from 'Candyman'") giving us a rough outline of the future. Basically, it's the year 10,191 and there is this special spice that everyone needs to travel through space and read minds and such.
Then we are taken to the Emperor of the known universe's palace. It's surrounded by several confusing things (like a guy with a metal nose) but it is actually a few seconds later where all sense is abandoned, as a giant tumor in a tank rolls in and a bald woman sits in another room thinking about him. If you look closely to the left of the tank, one of the guildsmen falls over. Hahaha!
So, then we move on to the Atreides family. There's this guy called Leto who is the Duke and his son Paul, the hero of the story. To cut a long story short, they all move to a big desert planet (where the special spice comes from) and they all get attacked in a plot by the Emperor and the Harkonnens (a bunch of evil, arrogant redheads who install heart plugs in people so they can pull them out for a laugh). The Harkonnens are allied with the Sardaukar, the Emperor's guys, who wear radiation suits and waddle about.
The Guy Who Plays Bluto in the "Popeye" movie runs around a lot, laughing. Dogs run around a bit and they all get killed, except for Paul and his mother Jessica. They flee to the desert, using the power of their robot impressions to escape the clutches of the bad guys and falling into the clutches of the Fremen. The Fremen immediately accept Paul as their leader and he recognizes Sean Young from his dreams, so he immediately assumes her as his lover. Paul says "spice" about 10,191 times throughout the course of this movie, be prepared for that.
He rides around on a giant sandworm, drinks some blue water, and blows up all of Bluto's spice factories with small video cameras. Bluto runs around with evil glee on his face as Sting looks on, arrogantly.
At one point, the Baron is flying around a room. Sting steps naked out of a big box filled with steam, Bluto walks in, pushes over a midget and eats part of a cow. Through it all the guy with big hair from "Eraserhead" is twisting a box that makes an irritating squeaking noise. Then they give a bald cat, suspended in a box with a rat stuck to it, to Thufir. Seriously.
Paul meets up with Gurney, Jessica has a daughter, and they all plan a big strike on the Emperor. They use atomics at one point, but this seems to make absolutely no difference. They all move into the room. Paul's sister kills the Baron, the Emperor kills Bluto, and Paul kills Sting in a fight and then blows him up. If you look carefully, you will notice that Thufir is there one minute and gone the next, despite efforts to hide this with other footage.
Paul's sister proclaims Paul to be the Kwisatz Haderach (super being) and then it starts to rain. Some guy with a beard and a widow's peak says "It is the legend," as he has been doing every five minutes throughout the whole bloody movie. Then Paul and Stilgar exchange a knowing glance, as they have been doing every five minutes throughout the whole bloody movie. Then Paul says "spice," as he has been doing every five minutes throughout the whole bloody movie.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:
- Don't trust bald women with metal teeth.
- Every major power in the universe has one guy with massive eyebrows that wears smeared lipstick.
- People in the future prove that they are humans by setting their hands on fire.
- Barons find drinking a piece of coal and then throwing the container into some water hilarious.
- Space travel makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
- Good guys are always in the vicinity of dogs.
- All people with orange hair are evil.
- If your mother can grab a tribal chief by the throat, they will immediately accept you as their leader.
- Shouting "garden" or "toga" through a small video camera is fatal.
- Drinking blue water gives every bald woman in the universe a nosebleed.
- 7 mins - No doubt about it, this is a David Lynch movie.
- 15 mins - Around about now, we learn that all of Paul's friends are disturbing psychopaths.
- 30 mins - Eww!
- 37 mins - David Lynch's take on Space Travel...
- 48 mins - David Lynch cameo!!
- 63 mins - Dude, war isn't easy when you're HOLDING A DOG!
- 66 mins - Duncan watches as he gets shot in the head by the slowest bullet in the world.
- 66 mins - When I die, I want to die as coolly as this.
- 81 mins - Lousy integration of the stunt man and the actor.
- 82 mins - "Such stealth"? Maybe that's because they weren't moving.
- 84 mins - Paul proclaims Chani to be "so beautiful" when she looks her very worst.
- 86 mins - The most confusing few minutes of my life.
- 91 mins - Err... ...I retract my last comment.
- 94 mins - RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST AN OBELISK!
- 96 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A WALL!
- Stilgar: "I will take the boy-man...UNH!"
- Gurney: "Mood's a thing for cattle and love play, not fighting!"
|Audio clips in wav format
|Starving actors speak out
|Reverend Mother: "Put your right hand in the box."
Paul: "What's in the box?"
Reverend Mother: "Pain."
|Baron Harkonnen: "He who controls the spice controls the universe!"
|The Emperor: "I want fifty legions of Sardaukar on Arrakis at once!"
Officer: "Fifty legions? That's our entire reserves as well."
The Emperor: "This is genocide: the deliberate and systematic destruction of all life on Arrakis!"
|Paul: "We Fremen have a saying. God created Arrakis to train the faithful. One cannot go against the word of God."
| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.
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|Scenes from the movie
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|MPEG video files
|Paul and his Fremen warriors, riding sandworms, are easily defeating the Emperor's legions. You know, if I ever try to take on a worm longer than an aircraft carrier with a hand weapon, you can be sure I've flipped my lid.
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