|CANNIBAL! THE MUSICAL
|Copyright 1996 Troma
| Reviewed by Josh Bailey
on 21 February 2001
- Alferd Packer - Trey Parker! Our hopelessly lost hero, wrongfully deemed cannibal when the members of his party are found in the Rocky Mountains.
- James Humphrey - Matt Stone! Braggart miner forced on the trip by his father. Found dead.
- Shannon Bell - Obsessive priest who is slowly driven mad by gangrene. Packer shoots, stabs, and impales him with no success.
- Israel Swan - Eternally optimistic miner you just cannot get down, ever the snowman builder. Shot in the head by Bell.
- Frank Miller - Bickering butcher who joins the party at the last minute. Found dead with an axe in his groin.
- George Noon - Horny, miniature, miner who desperately wants to make a claim, if you know what I mean *nudge nudge*. Found with his head splattered like a pumpkin under a large rock.
- Polly Pry - Lawyer who's heart is stolen by Packer. Wow, someone stealing from a lawyer, that's new.
- Frenchy Cabazon - Vindictive and violent leader of the trappers. Steals Lee Anne, beats on our hero, and isn't French.
- Nutter and Loutzenheiser - Frenchy's goons, fine singers when they can stay in key.
- The Cyclops - Giant confederate soldier living with woodland creatures. Oh, don't call him a stupid yank, or look at his eye.
- Indian Chief - Chief of the "Indians", has many teepees. Looks strangely Japanese, but maybe it's just me.
- Lee Anne - Alferd Packers true love, his horse. According to Swan she sure is shpadoinkle.
- Lake City Residents - they sing, they dance, they came to see some good old fashion violence.
|The year is 1883, and a group of six men begin a treacherous journey. A journey filled with song, dance, and just a dash of human flesh consumption. We begin our tale with a dream-esqe sequence of our hero brutally, yet comically, killing all the members of his party. The story you are about to see is true, about 50% of it at least, so I warn you, be prepared. The film is a spin-off comedy/musical/horror based on the true story of Alferd Packer, the only person in America to be accused and put on trial for cannibalism. The movie cuts from the images of Packer murdering the members of his party to a courthouse. A lawyer who would have played a smashing Grizzly Adams is trying to put Packer away for cannibalism, and uses graphic detail and images to make it sound it's worst. The wide-eyed Packer says to himself, "But that's not the way it happened." The wagon train sets course for Cali (that's prospector talk for "get ready for hell").
The story is told through Alferd Packer's eyes to the reporter Polly Pry until the end of the film. Get ready for singing, dancing, decapitation, and the kind of humor one can expect from Trey Parker and Matt Stone (creators of South Park). Packer gathers up his hopeless team and their tragic trip to Colorado territory begins. Along the way Shannon Bell, the god fearing Christian priest, plants his foot right in a bear trap, "Shpadoinkle!" he exclaims, and it only gets worse from there. By now the film has seen at least five musical numbers, and I don't really want to embellish, but there we be more than five more. The songs stick in your head (in the horrible "oh god no, I can't get Mmm Bop out of my head way), and the lyrics to find a place in your heart, I think somewhere next to the part of your stomach that keeps getting sick watching this movie. Being a masochist I have to say, these are some of the best songs in any musical I've ever seen.
In case you didn't know by now, this is Matt and Trey's student film, so don't start this movie expecting cinematic mastery, you can even see their film school during Polly Pry's solo song. The film really has no slow points, which is why I really liked it, and if you keep your maturity level at about fifteen years old, you will find 99% of this movie hilarious. As the movie draws past midpoint Bell has gone completely mad with gangrene and shoots Swan in the head during his second snowman song (absolutely hilarious). From this point on expect the unexpected, and expect to be shaking your head at half the stuff that happens, lastly expect to get up to turn the movie off, but for some reason expect you won't be able to.
Some of the true joy of this movie comes from the DVD, watching this movie with the commentary proves to double the hilarity factor of the film. I guess it's because most of the cast is doing commentary while drunk, or perhaps I was drunk, who knows. This film left me laughing, offended, a little disturbed, but for the most part entertained. But isn't that why we watch bad movies in the first place?
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- "Shpadoinkle" can describe a day, a horse, used when laughing, when saying goodbye, and when stepping in a hole or bear-trap.
- Learning an old Confederate pride song or two could very well save your life.
- The Japanese lived in America under the strategic name "Indians" during the 1800's.
- When someone says "shut the f**k up" you really ought to.
- Empty eye sockets can squirt liquid up to fifteen feet when angry.
- The average miner or trapper knows volumes about musical scales and notes.
- Try as you might, a priest can never be killed.
- They let you build doll houses in jail.
- You just can't get some people down.
- Butchers don't like snowmen and priests don't like people singing about snowmen.
- It's possible to tap dance in snow successfully.
- Eating human flesh gives you nightmares... Ballet nightmares.
- It's normal to hiccup before you die.
- 10 mins - Count how many times you hear "Colorado Territory" from this point on.
- 15 mins - So we can pretty much assume they're doomed.
- 16 mins - I didn't know Cartman sang in this flick.
- 24 mins - Watch Trey say "cut" at the end of verse.
- 29 mins - Testing the deepness of the green river, the Alferd Packer way.
- 35 mins - Fudge Packer?
- 38 mins - Japanese for "man this movie is terrible".
- 40 mins - Well they do have teepees.
- 42 mins - George Noon jingles his car keys, take a listen.
- 46 mins - Miners and trappers sure know a lot about music.
- 47 mins - Get out of my personal space!
- 48 mins - Justice of the Peace, Trey Parker's dad.
- 51 mins - It's the film school the cast went to, and a student!
- 54 mins - For god's sake, all karate instructors say that.
- 59 mins - Damn that's a fine looking beard.
- 63 mins - Boots, the other red meat.
- 65 mins - Swan should have shut the f**k up.
- 69 mins - Packer screams "Ike!" when he wakes up.
- 77 mins - Packer throws an apple at Bell. Weren't they starving to death?
- 80 mins - The sheriff forgets his line.
- 84 mins - The Cyclops says "Jenkies" hahaha.
- 86 mins - Trey must not like Wyoming.
- 87 mins - Matt Stone in a dress.
- Frenchy: "Now stay out of my personal space!"
- Miller: "What part do we eat?"
Humphrey: "Well you're the butcher."
Miller: "Yeah, but..."
Humphrey: "So, butch!"
- Humphrey: "So Cold. Can't move. Can't Feel. Can't make complete sentences."
- (After Packer shaves his mustache off to lighten the mood)
Packer: "Hey guys look, Abe Lincoln."
- Packer: "I'll go, you guys just watch the fire... ...and nobody eat anybody."
- (After Packer finds his party slaughtered)
Packer: "What are you guys doing?"
- (Sheriff forgetting his line)
Sheriff of Sawach: "You know what they say about sunrise..."
- Humphrey: "Is there anymore Swan left? I want breakfast."
- Bell: "The lord works in mysterious ways."
Miller: "You do realize how stupid that sounds."
Bell: "Yes I do."
- Humphrey: "Fudge Packer?"
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Bell: "We have to get some supplies for our big trip near the Rocky Mountains." |
Spooky Guy: "You'll never come back again. It's got a curse on it!"
Spooky Guy: "The Rocky Mountains! I gotta warn ya: you're doomed! Doomed! Doomed!"
||Packer and Polly Pry having an argument.
||Cyclops: "Are you looking at my eye?" |
Cyclops: "Are you looking at my eye?"
||Humphrey: "Wait, you're cutting into his butt." |
Miller: "Well what kind of piece do you want?"
Humphrey: "Well, not butt."
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Yup, this is a huge musical number about them taking Packer to be hanged. Hehehehe! Also, the trapper singing in a weird voice is Frenchy; Alfred did some permanent damage to the man's testicles during a fight.
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