Bloody Birthday B-Movie Review

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BLOODY BIRTHDAY - 3 Slimes

Rated R (this movie is soooo un-PC)

Reviewed by Mike Allan on 17 September 2009 (updated)

The Characters:

Duke and Annie - Couple who are making out in the cemetery at the beginning of the film. Duke is hit with a shovel, Ann is strangled with some jump rope.
Debbie - Psycho girl with long blond hair. Charges the neighborhood boys money to peek through a hole in her room and spy on her sister.
Curtis - Psycho boy who wears glasses and is an electronic genius.
Steven - Psycho boy with blond hair. Doesn't really say much in the film.
Timmy - Young neighborhood boy, owns Lassie (oops, wrong movie). First discovers that the three kids are up to no good.
Joyce - Timmy's older sister, works for the local paper and studies astrology.
Beverly – "Downtown" Julie Brown! (You know, that famous MTV DJ. Er…never mind.) Debbie's older sister, like to dance around nude in her room. Debbie shoots an arrow through her head.
Sheriff Brody - Debbie and Beverly’s father, smacked in the head with a baseball bat after the old "skateboard on the steps" trick fails to nail him.
Mrs. Brody - Sheriff's wife. In serious denial about her younger daughter. Has a mental breakdown after her husband and Bev die.
Mrs. Davis - Bitchy teacher at the kids school. Gets shot in the head by Curtis.
Mr. Hardy - Newspaper editor and Joyce's boss. He's in ONE scene and that's it. (Don't ask me why.)
Joyce's boyfriend - Also in only ONE scene. (Get the feeling the movie was desperate for cameos or something.)
Van couple - Teenagers who are making out in their van. Shot by Curtis.
Debbie's boyfriend - Also in only ONE scene, makes out with Debbie, but, oddly, doesn't die.

The Plot:

Three children (Debbie, Curtis, and Steven) are born to separate parents during a solar eclipse, which, as any good astrologist knows, causes one to be born without a conscious. Ten years later as their mutual birthday approaches, the kids go on a killing spree, offing various people in town. When Timmy shows up yard just as they finish off Bev's dad, he gets put on their hit list, as does his sister after she discovers Mrs. Davis' corpse. A series of near-misses, completely unnecessary nude scenes (not that that's a BAD thing, mind you), and several dead people later, the kids trap Tim and Joyce in Beverly's house for the final showdown. Our heroes manage to lock Steven in a trunk and overpower Curtis, but Deb slips out a window and her mother (conveniently returning at that moment from her hospital stay) takes Bev and they leave. In the end of the film, the boys are seen put in a car, presumably to be taken to juvenile court, and, elsewhere, Debbie and her mother are at a gas station, going over their new names. As they leave the camera pans over to reveal that even though Bev's name has changed, her nature has not.

Interesting note:
I could have SWORN I recognized Debbie, the little blonde psycho girl from somewhere, but I couldn't place her face. Well, I checked over at the IMDB and found out where I'd seen her before: she played one of the daughters of the rich family in the famous restaurant scene in The Blues Brothers. (You know, the family that Belushi leans over to and says, "How much for your women?")

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Solar eclipses are always bad news for newborns.
In small towns, cemeteries are hot make-out spots for horny teenagers, especially open graves.
In the early 80s, kids could take out realistic-looking guns in school and the teachers would assume they were just toys.
Certain types of bullets exist that'll go right through a person's chest but are then unable to break the window said person was standing in front of.
Scorpios are real sluts.
Most of the cars in junkyards can be easily fixed and driven.
When you try and strangle someone with a water hose, it greatly decreases the water pressure.
Even psycho murdering ten-year-olds like to play "tag."

Stuff To Watch For:

2 mins - June 9, 1970, anyone want to verify for that an eclipse really did occur on that date? Ah, forget it...
4 mins - Young love in the graveyard.
5 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
6 mins - Ah, an open grave, an even better place to make out...
7 mins - They stole the music from Friday the 13th, I'm sure...
11 mins - Gotta love this teacher.
13 mins - "Ahhh, we'll get you later, you stingy little bitch..."
14 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
15 mins - Man, Deb's got a pretty good racket going...
19 mins - "Batter up!"
20 mins - Oh, I'm sure "Daddy fell." is going to explain all the dents in his cranium...
25 mins - Joyce's dad sounds like he's using a voice box...
31 mins - She's awfully calm considering the kid's pointing a gun at her.
32 mins - Funny, that blood wasn't there half a minute ago...
33 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A PSYCHO NERD!
38 mins - Wow, these kids drive better than I do!
40 mins - Boy, good thing the police were in the area.
43 mins - "Well, I guess I've earned enough money from the boys, so, time to off my sister..."
44 mins - "Okay, I'm STILL looking for someone to kill in this neighborhood..."
46 mins - More teens making out in a neighborhood with a killer on the loose.
46 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
63 mins - You're telling me Bev didn't bother to cover up the peep hole?
65 mins - "Here, this will stop the bleeding."
72 mins - Maybe they can say they were "just playing..."
76 mins - How come the boys always have to do the major killing?
78 mins - What is that, like, eight shots he's fired now without reloading?
79 mins - Yeah, if a little kid was trying to kill me, I'd take a fish bowl and SPLASH HIM WITH WATER as opposed to bashing him over the head.
80 mins - Hey, weren't all the windows locked?
82 mins - "Now, get in the car, boys, and no more killing people!"

Quotes:

"This is the first time all the girls have ganged up on me."
"Turn around, turn around!" (Curtis, watching Bev dance naked through the peephole.)
"All her brains are in her bra."
(Upon seeing Beverly with an arrow through her eye): "Why didn't you wait for us?"
"Saturn controls emotions and the way you treat people."

Click for a larger image

IMAGES

Scenes from the movie