WELCOME TO PLANET EARTH
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1996 Pacific Trust
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Joseph - Young man trying to live an honest life after his mother's death.
- Daphne - Blonde space alien, she looks darn hot for having blue blood. Rowl!
- Charlie - Norm from "Cheers!" (George Wendt) He loves killing criminals and is taking his vacation on Earth to do so.
- Rhonda - Like June Cleaver, but undersexed and likes to skewer muggers with a tire iron.
- Detective Watts - Jerk cop, he and Joseph have had a few disagreements.
- Jesse - Crack dealer out to make Joseph's life miserable, Rhonda saws his head off.
- Lieutenant Barnes - The even headed cop, refreshing isn't it?
- A horde of thugs, thieves, and murderers - Fodder for Charlie and Rhonda to whup up on.
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| Roger Corman executive produced this fine piece of cinema, the man is just getting better with age I tell you. He's also getting pretty randy, half the quotes in this movie involve something above normal humidity. Joseph is a punk who decides to clean up his act after momma dies, renting out rooms in the old boarding house to get by. Then Charlie and Rhonda show up wanting a pad, he's a little suspicious until their daughter walks in. Daphne is darn attractive, her tendency to shed clothes at the drop of a hat helps too. Good old Norm, I mean Charlie, is here with his wife on a vacation. They're "roughing it" on Earth and are in bliss while dispensing vigilante justice. They go walking in the bad sections of town, run into some thugs, and then gleefully kill them. Ever want to see Norm chew off somebody's ear? I sure did, too bad they couldn't dig up Clay for that scene. The other plot point (There are two, count them, two.) is that Daphne needs to get laid. So she does, Joseph must have done a good job since she falls in love with him. Eventually the police decide our young friend is the one killing all these criminals, lucky that his girlfriend's purse shoots a paralyzation ray! They escape in a car driven by Charlie and Rhonda, who killed the owner after he tried to rob them - the corpse is in the back seat, and a high speed chase ensues! During said named chase everything went wrong with continuity, whoever was in charge of that, oh boy. Sometimes the dead guy is in the back seat, sometimes he isn't, one minute Detective Watts is riding shotgun in the police car, the next minute Scotty screws up and teleports him out. (Maybe I shouldn't flip between Star Trek and movies I review?) Everything ends well, Daphne and Joseph escape to her home planet while the parents are sent off to prison. Actually they beg to be locked up with a horde of violent criminals. It's schlock, but it's good schlock! |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Make sure whoever sings "Amazing Grace" at your momma's funeral knows all the words.
- Pretty girls asking "Bed me please?" get guy's attention.
- Women fast during menstruation.
- Dinner is not the time for gory car accident stories.
- I'd rather have a monkey than Norm on my back any day.
- Batting cleanup in a gangbang is pretty unsavory.
- Getting naked will capture a policeman's attention.
- Shooting your car, since it will not start, isn't helping things.
- Don't walk into a crack house and start calling people "pieces of shit."
- You can cut off someone's head with a switchblade.
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- 6 mins - Joseph, don't shoot the preacher...
- 7 mins - Nice house buddy.
- 13 mins - ROWL! (You'll have to see the scene.)
- 22 mins - Darn postman bled all over the sidewalk.
- 27 mins - Rhonda is bleeding blue blood? Now she's kicking that guy's butt!
- 39 mins - Charlie just bit off the mugger's ear!
- 41 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 60 mins - Hey, the dead guy disappeared and now the police car doesn't have a passenger!
- 69 mins - Don't slip on the decapitated head, whoops! I warned you buddy.
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- Joseph: "You shitting me?"
Rhonda: "We most certainly are not shitting you!"
- Rhonda: "And thanks again for servicing our daughter."
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | welcomeearth1.wav
| Why you should learn the words to "Amazing Grace" before singing at a funeral.
| | welcomeearth2.wav
| Daphne: "It's just a word, like c**ksucker or Republican."
| | welcomeearth3.wav
| Rhonda: "If you want to be happy keep your legs open and your mouth shut."
| | welcomeearth4.wav
| Rhonda: "We're the killers."
Charlie: "Yeah, could you please take us to jail?"
Rhonda: "Take us directly to jail."
Charlie: "Yeah, do not pass GO."
Rhonda: "Do not collect two hundred dollars."
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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