|THE WARRIOR AND THE SORCERESS
|Copyright 1984 New Horizons Picture Corp.
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
- Kain - David Carradine! Holy warrior from the days when they had something worse than sex on television to battle against.
- Naja - Sorceress and worshipper of Ura held captive by Zeg, she runs around topless for the entire movie. Religion is always so much more interesting on the silver screen.
- The Prelate - Old man and Naja's father.
- Zeg - Warlord who owns half of Yam-A-Tar and it is his forces that are usually in control of the well. Enjoys watching naked women drown in tubs of water, which one imagines he later must drink from. Wonder what the FDA has to say about such practices? Smacked in the spine with a morning star.
- Bal Caz - Rotund warlord and Zeg's rival. He is currently the weaker of the two, possibly since his counsel is a bipedal reptile. Knifed by Zeg.
- Burgo - Evil slaver ("good" is an adjective seldom used with the word "slaver") who gets a quick lesson in religion from Kain.
- Zeg's Captain - Excitable, but the guy honestly knew what he was doing as Captain of the Guard. Not even close to being Kain's equal in armed combat, so he spends the end of the film dying.
|One of the better sword and sorcery flicks you might run across is the current subject.
Kain is a holy warrior in a land where most people have lost faith. Who can blame them? There is precious little time for worship when your schedule is full of torture (at the hands of Bal Caz, Zeg, or Burgo) and dying of thirst. Yam-A-Tar's (yes, it is a silly name for a town, I understand they later changed their name to "Las Vegas" and things picked up) is little more than an armed camp, each side seeking to control the only well for miles around. Call me loopy, but wells are drawn off underground springs or streams. Why doesn't someone just dig another well?
Kain is a disillusioned holy warrior, as any self respecting "wandering hero" is, though he can still slice and dice bit part actors with the best of them. The status quo in Yam-A-Tar tweaks his inherent sense of decency, he decides to overthrow the evil types. Since taking on the fighting contingent of both camps in open combat is suicide he uses a good deal of trickery to whittle down their forces and line his own pockets with gold.
Watching him wander back and forth, playing the two sides against each other, is something else. One thing to watch for is how Kain always demands X number of gold coins and whichever warlord always has a pouch of coins filled with that exact amount. Even better is noticing he is handed a pouch supposedly containing a thousand gold tarracs which appears to be smaller than one he received earlier, that one contained only a hundred tarracs. I guess gold coins come in denominations too.
So where is all this cash going? Certainly not into the coffer of any strip clubs, they would soon go out of business in this town. Find one woman in the movie with her top on and... ...well let us just say you are watching a different movie. Naja is my "Exhibit A" here, though she looks more like a C in all truth. She bounces through the film wearing what appears to be a loincloth and scarf, I wisely gave up yelling about RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOTS before going hoarse.
Finally Zeg catches on to the little game and uses his secret weapon, the deadly four breasted woman! Her poison stinger renders the caped crusader (that's more clever than you give me credit for) helpless, when he wakes up several mercenaries are getting fourteenth century on his ass. Will Kain escape? Can the sorceress create a magical sword for him? Does the movie end with a vicious battle in the town square? Did I expostulate too much?
It has a monster (this weird octopus/spider that Kain has to kill at one point), plenty of fighting, lots of breasts, and even a magical sword. All that with acceptable acting and choreography, what more can you ask for?
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Mentally retarded twins are best used as messengers.
- Women's nipples are constantly erect, no matter what they are doing.
- Evil warlords love a good foot massage.
- Altars are hollow and priests use them as hiding places when unruly mobs are about.
- People who live in the desert are not very good at swimming.
- Large groups of people never say anything, they just yell nonsense all the time.
- Women have poison stingers concealed in their belly buttons.
- Anvils are made from styrofoam.
- 7 mins - Why is the well nearly overflowing? Almost as if it were a tub full of water...
- 10 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 16 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 23 mins - Hey Burgo, you dropped a tarrac there. I think your bag of coins has a hole in it.
- 32 mins - He climbed the wall one-handed, while carrying her, dude is the man!
- 41 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 41 mins - Kain must have combed his hair before sitting down, a minute ago he had serious cloak head.
- 52 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT! Wait a moment, that woman has four breasts! Now there is a great idea.
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Prelate: "Each of these scum pits his hired soldiers against the other for control of the well, it's the poor villagers caught in between who suffer."
||Bal Caz: "You will fight for Bal Caz?" |
Kain: "I fight for golden tarracs."
||Zeg: "You've got one more chance to make me the sacred sword of Ura or I'll sell you to the slavers and your blessed father's head will rest on my pike!"
||Zeg: "What are you doing? I thought you were my friend!" |
Burgo: "Friend? Slavers have no friends!"
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|The slavers are pillaging everything in sight and putting villagers into chains. Kain now wields the sacred blade of Ura though, time for some slavers to exit the film in a messy way.
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