VAMPYRES
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| Not Rated
| | Copyright 1974 Essay Films Ltd.
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 10 January 2001
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- Ted - Chap who is unable to tell a woman no, even when she is slicing open his arm and sucking out the lifeblood.
- Harriet - Nervous woman that is on vacation with her husband. She is not cut out for the idyllic life of fishing, painting, and sleeping in a camper. Throat slit.
- John - Harriet's spouse, he is constantly trying to ally her fears. Some are probably sponsored by the fact that he wears a wife beater, in fact, a yellow one. Maybe they needed to do laundry more often? Sucked dry by the vampyres.
- Rupert - Younger lad who becomes an entree.
- The Wine Taster - Annoying fellow isn't he?
- Fran - Here is our lead female bloodsucker, though I've been informed her taste in men leaves much to be desired. (Sayeth the wife: "He's nasty!")
- Miriam - Fran's girlfriend and lover.
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The movie opens with a scene that is going to confuse you, namely that the two vampyres are shot multiple times by a shadowy figure. So is what follows a flashback (my favorite opinion) or merely their tortured souls exacting retribution on the world? It will make your head hurt if you consider the problem for too long, believe me.
Our thirsty female friends spend each evening near a country road, hailing passing motorists and asking for a ride home. Upon arriving, the male, being so horridly ugly as to frighten crows let alone women away, eagerly accepts the invitation to come inside. They are plied with wine to dull their senses before being sliced open with a vile looking knife. How would you like your last moments to involve two women? Tempting for most of us males, but in this case they would be cutting you repeatedly before fastening greedy mouths upon gushing arteries.
Fran is either in love with Ted or she enjoys dragging out his torment. He is not killed outright, but kept in a delirious state by having plasma drained off and replaced with wine. Just try drinking after giving blood, the cheapest drunk you'll ever have.
The vampyres appear to keep some victims in the tunnels under their home, but most are disposed of in staged car accidents. Almost every morning the police can be found pulling some poor bloke from his mangled automobile. Never mind that they've obviously been cut up with a knife, or that they're stark freaking naked! Can you imagine these small coincidences getting past the police, let alone the coroner? Remember folks, don't drink and drive, wear your seatbelt, and don't drive naked with sharp knives in your lap. Oy vey.
Ted eventually realizes that Fran might not be the right woman for him and flees. John and Harriet are nearby, too bad for them the femme fatales soon join the party with their particular sort of hunger. Our ugly hero is saved by the unexpected and sudden appearence of dawn, ambushing the two undead women and sending them scurrying underground.
The entertainment level is dubious, unless the intrinsic value of naked women is as high on your scale as my own. Mostly this was due to the focus on making a "serious" horror film with so many common sense problems. The vampyres do shun sunlight, but we constantly see them wandering around under what appears to be overcast skies. Nor could I ignore the constant "sound effect" which has been used in other movies to represent power of some sort, here it seems a bit out of place, especially when used as a background for sex scenes.
Questions abound throughout the experience that is this movie, including the all important one involving the opening scene. Did we see the end at the beginning, or was the man (some fellow trying to sell the property) describing what created the ghastly lesbians? Either way, I'm still confused.
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Women like to take walks in their evening gowns.
- Sex can render you so enfeebled as to barely be able to stand.
- It's impossible to drive long distances with one injured arm.
- Ferns are voyeurs.
- The British do not believe in underwear.
- Private property signs are useless.
- One of the symptoms of anemia is paranoid mutterings.
- Wine tasters do not swallow for a reason.
- When someone has lost a lot of blood you should give them alcohol.
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- Opening Credits - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 1 min - Now why did someone shoot two perfectly good lesbians? I hope the rest of the movie will explain this.
- 21 mins - Eeeeeek! Naked man! Say old chap, whatever you do, don't move your leg.
- 22 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 39 mins - Actually, the building appears to be structurally sound.
- 41 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 50 mins - Why didn't he say something to the bobbies?
- 58 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 60 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 61 mins - Great squirming lesbians Batman!
- 65 mins - An entire mansion to explore, yet everyone wanders into the cellar/catacombs.
- 80 mins - This covers a number of male fantasies. Ack! And fears!
- 83 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | vampyres1.wav
| Fran: "Does this kind of thing excite you?"
Ted: "Sometimes."
| | vampyres2.wav
| Ted: "You arouse me more than any woman I've met for a long time."
| | vampyres3.wav
| Fran and Miriam in the shower.
| | vampyres4.wav
| Harriet: "I've seen them down there; they spend their days asleep in the cellar."
John: "Let's get out, immediately."
Harriet: "It's the truth John, I tell you, those two women are down there like living dead!"
| | Theme Song | Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. | |
| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | vampyres1.mpg
- 2.4m
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| It isn't enough that this man's blood is staining the linen and slacking the vampyres' thirsts, because as the flow begins to taper off Fran grabs the knife and opens up a few more arteries. Some women are impossible to please.
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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