THE CHILDREN
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1980 Albright Films
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 23 May 2001
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- Sheriff Billy Hart - Resolute and independent man appointed to enforce the law in this remote section of New England. Maybe a little too independent, because calling the State Police barracks when you have a whole busload of kids missing would be prudent. Denied retirement when his flesh roasts off.
- John - He lacks the fortitude required to chop up children with an axe, including his own, until he realizes two things: 1. They want to kill me. 2. College is going to be expensive by 1990.
- Cathy - John's pregnant wife who gets my nomination for "Worst Mom in this Film," though it was a close race. Maybe apologizing to your unborn child for smoking is pointless.
- Dr. Gould - Must be an honorary degree bestowed upon her by the townsfolk for owning the only copy of "Gray's Anatomy" in the county. She really shouldn't wear a bikini, especially after being roasted alive.
- Molly - Owner of the town general store who does double duty as the radio dispatcher and triple duty as a charred corpse.
- Harry - Goofy deputy who helps Billy when he is not bedding the farmer's daughter. Somebody please teach this deputy about statutory rape (I think she was supposed to be that young). Oops, hold that thought, he dies.
- The Shore Family, Leslie, Fred, Susie, and others - Fried, fried, fried, fried, and fried!
- The Children - Turned into killing monsters by a cloud of gas that escaped from a nearby nuclear plant. Sent back to the hell that spawned them by Billy and John's grisly efforts.
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When workers at the local nuclear plant decide the local bar just won't wait, even if some gauges are being wacky, we know bad things are going to happen. Hoodlums are going to set off yellow smoke grenades! No, that's not right. Leaking pipes are going to release some sort of strange gas into the air! That's the ticket! Anyway, this brightly colored blanket of noxious fumes somehow escapes the notice of any neighbors before moving on.
The cloud of gas is carried along by brisk winds and just happens to engulf a bus bringing schoolchildren home in Ravensback. Sheriff Hart finds the empty bus, still running, but neither the driver nor passengers are in sight. He then begins nonchalantly driving around and asking people if they have seen anything. Pretty odd reaction, you would think he might get on the radio right away. Be advised that the radios are largely forgotten by any of the characters during this film. Do not make the mistake of thinking that he is looking for a Dunkin' Donuts either. Billy could lose a couple pounds and still outweigh me, but that bulk is undoubtedly cornbread, dumplings, and mutton.
Arriving at the town general store, our unflappable lawman deputizes two of the least responsible people available. Hank and Frank drive out to the Interstate and set up a roadblock, then start passing around a bottle of hooch. An obvious good judgment call by the sheriff there. He turns a blind eye to several indiscretions while driving around though, whether it be Mrs. Shore toking on a joint while they talk or poached fowl being sold to Molly.
Indifference must be contagious, because none of the yokels have noticed that their kids are several hours late in returning from school. Hard to swallow at the least. Come to think of it, we're already choking on the fact that all the phones are out. Better hurry up and get the appetizer down, I've another whole plateful coming.
Ravensback's children have been turned into deadly killers by the contaminated cloud! With wane complexions and black fingernails they are seeking out and killing anyone they can find. Mere contact with those soiled hands causes flesh to crisp and peel away from the body! Unfortunately we all know what adults do upon finding a lost child; they sweep them into a reassuring hug. In this case that means agonizing death as third degree burns cover every inch of the victim's body. Luckily being broiled does not affect clothing, even something flammable like polyester. The next owner might have a big dry cleaning bill on their hands, but your leisure suit will be un-scorched (just remember to take it off before going in the sauna).
Along with devilish powers of molecular agitation, the cute little youngsters gained invulnerability to most physical harm. Sheriff Hart saves John's life (although he will not be using that hand any time soon), but is horrified when the monsters keep coming despite his blazing pistol. Fortune shines upon our helpless adults when Billy grabs a replica samurai sword from the wall and chops off one child's hands, killing it instantly.
Okay, sure. The wild card mutation gave them the power to incinerate flesh and moved all their vital organs to an extremity. Armed with hacking instruments, the two men go out to the barn (for some reason the kids congregated out there) and chop off all the children's hands. Isaac Hayes is nowhere in sight.
The acting was not awful, but a few times I wanted to stuff one of the offending thespians into a car trunk. Most of the cars in the movie were enormous, so several actors could probably fit in the sheriff's alone. Mainly you should watch it for the sheer ludicrous premise. Two grown men chopping off children's hands! Were you not Catholic that would still be something to use a confessional for.
PS: If you didn't see the "Gotcha" ending coming then you need a stick and canine companion. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Nuclear power plant's safety and maintenance crews are comprised of rednecks; two of them.
- Finding an empty school bus, apparently abandoned in a hurry, will not worry a police officer.
- Being a good parent involves codeine.
- There are times when hugging your kid is the wrong thing to do.
- Shooting a broiled dog is just as effective, if not more so, than beating a dead horse.
- Playing tag with a mutant is a game of life and death.
- Kids come apart easier than boiled chicken.
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- 1 min - And the scaffolding carries the scene.
- 6 mins - You bunch of little suck-ups!
- 21 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 30 mins - Go around her. What is so difficult about this simple solution to your traffic problem?
- 39 mins - It must get dark really fast where they live.
- 51 mins - Billy has to be three or four times her weight. Granted, she can burn him to a cinder, but he doesn't know that yet.
- 69 mins - Oh sure, it'll go away eventually. What do you think this is? Chickenpox?
- 74 mins - Is the person in charge of lighting on strike? Pay the man his wages so that we can all see the movie.
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | thechildren1.wav
| Harry: "Molly, come in."
Molly: "Yeah Harry?"
Harry: "I found the kids!"
Molly: "Thank the Lord! Are they all right?"
Harry: "They look scared is all."
| | thechildren2.wav
| John: "Billy, when you fired, did you hit that kid?"
Billy: "Yeah, I couldn't have missed him."
John: "You must've."
Billy: "I don't see how!"
| | thechildren3.wav
| Cathy: "The children! Have you both gone mad? He was shooting the children!"
| | thechildren4.wav
| Billy: "Bullets have no effect on them. John, we've got to cut off their hands! That's where they're vulnerable!"
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | thechildren1.mpg
- 2.5m
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Kids always burn the first few meals they try to prepare. Mom was supposed to be cooked at four hundred for sixty minutes, then baste again and add the remainder to the pan.
Aww forget it. Ouch. Ouch I say!
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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