Teenage Catgirls in Heat B-Movie Review

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TEENAGE CATGIRLS IN HEAT - 1 Slime

Unrated

Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 26 April 2010

The Characters:

Ralph - Yet another aimless college student who discovered that if you want to learn about life and love, the best way to do it is by hitchhiking across the country. If you do not believe me, simply compare backpack sales to college enrollment over the last thirty years. When backpack sales are high, college enrollment is down, and vice versa.
Warren - The local stray cat catcher who invented a device that detects cats. Ridiculous. I can find a cat any time of the day without that contraption. How? By imagining where I do not want to find a cat. Walking over me in the middle of the night when I am trying to sleep? There's a cat! Sitting on my office chair, getting hair all over it? There's a cat! On the table, drinking milk out of my temporarily unwatched glass? There's a cat! Curse you, cat!
Cleo - She looks like a girl, but she's really a cat. I know some men believe that women are an entirely different species, but even a dating neophyte would notice that there is something different about this girl.
Henry - "Beware of the bull" - he bites.
Keshra - Who would ever guess that Bast had a cousin from Transylvania?
Men Who Are Killed by Catgirl Sex - They died with smiles on their faces. Coitus mortis fruniscor.

The Plot:

An old woman discovers that her cat is stuck on the roof. When she climbs into the attic to rescue the feline via a nearby vent, the woman suddenly decides to dig through an old chest. She discovers an obsidian cat statue that compels her to commit suicide. Rather than a corpse, the woman leaves behind a cat-shaped pile of black dust. The cat, the one that had been stuck on the roof, tries to cross the road and gets run over by a truck. The dead kitty then turns into a naked girl. Now, I have to ask if any of that makes sense to you. It doesn't to me. Characters in this movie do things for no reason, besides the fact that the script needs whatever it is that they did to happen, so that it (the script) can continue. And when it does continue, the story is still incomprehensible.

Time for you to meet Ralph. Ralph is hitchhiking his way along a lonely stretch of dreary road. This is reminiscent of "An American Werewolf in London," except that Ralph is alone, a serviceable pub is nowhere to be found, and neither of the chaps in "An American Werewolf in London" met a naked girl on the moors. I suppose that had David and Jack encountered a naked girl, John Landis' film would be named differently, "An American Bow-chicka-bow-wow in London" or something like that. In any case, Ralph is standing there, mulling over the fact that a naked girl (Cleo) is smiling at him, when Warren arrives on the scene. The deranged grimalkin wrangler is following a massive contact on his cat tracking device. Since the signal is coming from near the distracted boy with the backpack, Warren incorrectly makes the assumption that Ralph's backpack is filled with cat contraband and gives chase. Ralph, confronted by a maniac in a pickup truck trying to run him over, smartly runs away. Things get sorted out eventually, but not before Cleo disappears.

If you ever come across me standing in the middle of a field, smiling at an attractive naked woman who is smiling back at me, go away. Quietly. What you are witnessing is either Mankind's first contact with an alien race or a once-in-a-lifetime romantic opportunity for me, or both. If you do anything to spoil the moment, I am going to beat the living crap out of you.

Where did Cleo get to during the confusion? She returned to her house (cats consider any house their house). She is not alone for long, because numerous other cats commit suicide, only to be instantly reincarnated as naked women. After joining the party at catgirl headquarters, the girls seek out unsuspecting men to have sex with. Each intimate encounter ends with the teenage catgirl killing their partner. Lick 'em, lay 'em, and lacerate 'em, so to speak.

The ebony cat statue in the attic of Cleo's house is Keshra's idol. The Egyptian goddess is the cause of all the cat nonsense. She is also the reason that Cleo's house is quickly filling up with transformed cats that do not know how to act like women (well, besides the mating thing - but that is such a small part of a relationship).

The catgirl's sorority house is not a happy memory for me. What the director did was to toss a bunch of girls into a room and tell them to act like cats. Despite everything that has been said by men about women and cats, the truth is that your wife or girlfriend does not instinctively know how to accurately imitate a kitty. They need time to practice. The girls in this movie did not have time to practice. The result is abysmal, and somehow it gets even worse after the catgirls learn English by listening to a self-affirmation tape. You got it, they bat around balls of yarn, wear '80s fashions, and say things like "I can get the things I need!" to each other in squeaky voices.

Please make it stop. Please, please, please make it stop.

Nearly running over Ralph was an honest mistake, so Warren decides that he and the young man should be the best of friends. Warren's performance is the anathema of movie watching enjoyment. Nearly everything he does is painfully overacted, including a cat interrogation that appears to be a failed Monty Python homage. Suffice to say, I dread the moments that Warren is on the screen; which is saying something because I do not particularly enjoy Ralph or Cleo's scenes either. Then the unthinkable happens, Ralph and Warren get drunk and start talking about cats and women. Any pair of drunken men talking about cats or women is painful. When it is these two the result is absolutely soul-destroying.

I...suffer.

Cleo and Ralph keep running into each other around town (the town consists of one road, two houses, and a field), and eventually the young man asks Cleo for a date. Ralph does not have a lot of money, so he takes her to the park for a picnic. Fortune shines upon Ralph's choice of sandwiches: tuna on toast. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. The young woman is so impressed by how much Ralph understands her feelings and needs that she takes him back to her house and has sex with him. Score one for tuna on toast.

Oh, and just in case you thought the movie has been restraining itself from going overboard with the cat motif, the sex scene between Cleo and Ralph involves her bouncing on him as she yells, "Meow!" over and over. That goes on for at least a full minute before Warren, who has finally figured out the connection between the strange girls and the cat goddess, bursts in with a squirt gun. He rescues Ralph from certain death by kitty climax, as well as snatching Keshra's idol. If the feline statue is destroyed, the cat goddess will lose her power. It turns out that getting rid of a cheap black cat statue is no easy task.

They might have been hampered by the film's day for night effects, because the result does not make the scenes look dark; they just look murky.

Before Warren can destroy the idol, Keshra unleashes her divine fury. It starts raining cats! Hahahaha! This is easily the funniest part of the movie. I never knew that the sound of cats bouncing off of a farmhouse's roof could be so funny, but it is. Maybe this scene just made up for most of what happened before. As God is my witness, I am going to live through this movie, and when it's all over, I am going to laugh whenever I think about cats bouncing off of an old tin roof. Even Warren being possessed by Keshra and becoming every fashion designer's wet dream (or worst nightmare) will not ruin this moment for me. I will cherish it, always.

For the record, I do not understand fashion designers; I just know that their reaction to Warren's "Keshra: Goddess of Egypt" outfit would be passionate.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

If your cat tells you to commit suicide, you might be hallucinating, you might not.
Cats are the world's least effective speed bumps.
Lemmings are a species of housecat.
Random naked women account for 65% of all traffic accidents.
It helps to have an ancestor who was into scrapbooking.
Fashion is forever, unfortunately.
Today will be cloudy, with an 85% chance of pussy. The pussy may be heavy at times, and could damage crops and property. If you encounter heavy pussy, please report it via our hotline at 1-800-BAD-MEOW.
Rabies is a venereal disease.

Stuff To Watch For:

Opening credits - There must be some oddly shaped clouds creating those shadows.
15 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
21 mins - Try saying "blue star" and see if the same thing happens.
31 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
36 mins - And beer is good.
51 mins - You should have donated those to Goodwill twenty years ago.
53 mins - That was clever. It took the film fifty-three damn minutes, but that was actually clever.
61 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
77 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
79 mins - I am bored, which is why I am mulling over the idea that if a tornado swept through the area, the only thing left of that house would be a concrete slab.
80 mins - I am so bored.

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	teencatgirls1.wav	Warren: "I thought you said you could drive a clutch?" Ralph: "I do, just not very well. Why are we hunting for cats anyway?" Warren: "Cats killed my grandfather." Ralph: "Oh." Warren: "Hold on! Hold on, I'm getting a...I'm getting a huge signal!"
	teencatgirls2.wav	Keshra: "You and your sisters must each find a human male, mate with him, and destroy him."
	teencatgirls3.wav	Cleo: "Girl humans don't mate on the first date." Catgirl: "All males do. Why, they run around at night, they sleep a lot, they eat everything they can get their paws on, and they want to mate all the time." Cleo: "How do you know? You've only been a human for three days."
	teencatgirls4.wav	Warren interrogates a cat.

Click for a larger image

IMAGES

Scenes from the movie

Watch a scene

VIDEO

MPEG video files

	teencatgirls1.mpg - 7.6m
	Warren rescues Ralph from the catgirls. The latter man is naked because he just had sex with Cleo...who is really a cat; Warren makes sure to point that out.