|STOP IT, YOU'RE KILLING ME
|Copyright 1996 Haxan.
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 17 December 2000
- William - Gay man who was killed and then brought back as a zombie, wears his heart on his sleeve (not literally).
- Edwin - Really old and exceptionally repulsive millionaire. Try to imagine scrambled eggs mixed with a wig and then left outside for three weeks, that's his face.
- Susan - Con artist married to Edwin in hopes that he will kick the bucket soon, a good plan since she is unlikely to make her fortune in theater. Crumbled to dust while trapped inside William's body (it's a long story).
- Anna - Powerful witch at the center of everyone's troubles, mainly since she wants Edwin's toenails for a magical potion. Falls victim to a poison dart.
- Eric - Susan's boyfriend or husband, I'm uncertain which really. He finds himself dead of old age inside Edwin's body.
- The "I'm so not German it hurts" Girl - No further description required.
|Okay, just how many groups of zealots can I piss off with the first paragraph? At first the film tricks you into believing it will be just another story about some deluded Star Wars fan going postal and killing Jersey girls, but it goes deeper than all that. Beneath the story of a wishy washy gay man resurrected as a rotting zombie servant there are references to having sex with another man who is well over one hundred years old. It makes Adam Sandler look tame I tell you. Where to begin?
Let us start with Susan and Eric discussing their most recent con, set in a beautiful Superfund site somewhere in New Jersey (referred to hereafter as "the park"). She has spent the last four years married to a complete geezer, in fact he is one hundred and twelve at present. The plan was for him to kick the bucket and leave her with a mound of cash, after that windfall the two would be set for life.
Unfortunately Edwin is not cooperating, instead remaining full of life and lust. Yes, lust. According to the blushing bride he demands romantic interludes a few times every day. Can you just imagine her horror at the tactile level of these encounters? Feeling the ruffles of wrinkles and the stringy hairs (sprouting from moles or whatever) as they rub against her? Ick. Ick, ick, ick, ick, ICK! I've gone and spoiled my dinner.
Upon the conclusion of their meeting in "the park" it is agreed between Susan and Eric that she is going to kill Edwin. Makes a pretty energetic go at it too, first spiking his drink with a generous dose of sleeping pills and then resorting to a wooden baseball bat. One might be tempted to speculate she accidentally used Rogaine instead of sleeping pills, while the bat was unsuccessful since she "hits like a girl."
Ahhh, no... ...Edwin's miraculous resistance to dying is courtesy of Anna. The witch must use the toenails of a one hundred and fifty year old man she has slept with to complete a powerful spell, thus making herself immortal. So, eighty years ago she rolled in the hay with Edwin, now it is just a matter of being patient. Eh? What did you say sonny? If the confounded woman had started with a man in his seventies she'd be done already?
Anna is none too happy with having some sappy starving actress beat on her meal ticket, especially when physical blows (not that kind you pervert) to the old fart are conveyed to her person. Beat him with a bat and she gets a nosebleed, it's that simple. William knows this; he also knows that his only hope for eternal rest is to kill the witch somehow. All of her previous zombie servants have become little more than bones. Granted that any house would be more interesting with talking skulls in it (possessing dubbed voices that make kung fu flicks look like opera). He just doesn't want to be one of those miserable souls.
In an attempt to break the chain of events our little zombie contacts Susan, spilling all the beans about what is going on. She double-crosses him and makes a pact with Anna, agreeing to make her shriveled husband (get your mind out of that gutter) happy for the next four decades in return for youth and beauty. She's asking for a lot, I know.
When Eric shows up it gives William a fighting chance. Armed with a few spells of his own and a magical soul switching headdress, plans are set in place to free both Edwin and William from their rotting prisons.
The plot moves along briskly for about the first hour and is pretty entertaining at times, unfortunately the rest mucks its way to the ending with little remorse. Even two out of three characters that had turned in acceptable performances up till then (Anna and William) lost their charm.
Painfully apparent through all of this is the film's budget, or lack thereof. I wouldn't be surprised to find its picture staring at me from the side of a milk carton. "If you have seen this movie's budget, please call..." It is a shame really, because a few scenes could have been much better with some more cash invested. Susan and Anna's meeting in the dream world is a good example, darn effective as is, but with a few more exotic locations available it would have rocked. I think the zombie's tendency to wear freaky masks might have been a budgetary concern as well, but it works. Don't knock the artifice if it works.
Looking at it another way the glass is one third full and the makeup for Edwin and William (one in the same person, the bartender too I suspect) is excellent. It's not going to kill you to watch this film, but nor should you expect any startling revelations. Unless it is the fact that you don't want to marry a horny hundred and twelve year old man.
Andrew's Note: I believe the entire film was actually done in California. For some reason the one woman reminded me of a Jersey resident and I just ran with it, kinda like Forrest Gump.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Women like to appraise their figures while wearing thick bathrobes.
- Jersey girls have some ugly ass feet, they look to be adapted for hanging from cave ceilings.
- Old men are little more than masses of disgusting body functions.
- Cooking oil is a good substitute for NyQuil.
- Television sets must be on channel 3 to pick up dreams.
- Recliners with opposable thumbs have some interesting advantages.
- Distinguishing between a Jewish magic spell or an American Indian charm can be difficult.
- Gay men really just want to be women.
- 3 mins - Sand people?
- 6 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 10 mins - There is a ninja sneaking up on her!
- 21 mins - Why don't you break the caplets open so that they dissolve?
- 29 mins - Hehehehe! Putting more magic powder in while stirring with a chicken foot must be like adjusting the antenna on a television set.
- 49 mins - No more of Susan's acting, I beg you. Now she's cracking puns. Kill her! Kill!
- 54 mins - Mmmm, now that's good cooking oil...
- 58 mins - You're not young and beautiful right now.
- 62 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Susan: "I'm living in a building with Mexicans." (Music plays.)
||An ad on the "Buy At Home Zone."
||William: "There's a lot of sick people out there and I'm grateful for every last one of 'em."
||Edwin being his normal eloquent self.
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Eric starts thumping Edwin over the head with an automotive anti-theft device, which makes the witch pretty uncomfortable. Oh, the reason William complains about not having all his fingers is that earlier Anna cut one off.
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