TEENAGE SPACE VAMPIRES
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| Rated PG
| | Copyright 1998 Canarom Productions Inc. and Castel Films
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Bill - High school kid who watches all sorts of monster movies, has a unibrow.
- Hank - Leader of the SETI team, keeps his hair cut short to cover the fact he's starting to go bald, plus he never sleeps.
- Kevin - Bill's nerdy friend with bleached hair.
- Katie and Jesse - Bill's sister and her boyfriend
- Andy and Randy - Twins who are complete jerks, even before becoming vampires.
- Mike and Paula - Hank's fellow SETI researchers.
- Miss Gibson - Very large and unfriendly woman of Russian descent, not hard to see why she isn't married.
- Coach Danvers - The main vampire operative and soccer coach.
- Lord Vlathos - Look at the name, this is the head space vampire of course. Dissolves in the exploding sunlight.
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| Fairly high production values, but the screenwriter and casting director fell flat on their faces with this one. Bill is the only witness to a mysterious UFO which buzzes his hometown, but the next morning he finds it gracing a neighbor's yard as some sort of sculpture. When a team from SETI arrives he gets really excited and has them check it out. While the scientists discuss the object he takes matters into his own hands and chucks a lawn gnome at it. (Which the spaceship promptly absorbs or eats - heck I don't know, swirling green special effects happen.) Unfortunately this alien is not ET, the monster's name is Lord Vlathos and with the power of a giant diamond he plans on absorbing every drop of sunlight, then his people will be free to rule the Earth! Don't ask me about the physics behind absorbing all the sunlight from a huge fusion reaction, I didn't write the darn script. (Let's not forget that without sunlight it would get really damn cold on Earth.) Bill and Hank end up being two of the only people not bitten by the vampires, so they hatch a desperate plan to save the world. It works, the sun's light is set free, the end. The camera work is first rate and the special effects look clean, it's just the acting that gets you every time - even though Bill has some darn amusing lines. |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Newspaper boys deliver their papers around noon.
- Spaceships are easily identified by applying the "Lawn Gnome Test." This involves chucking a lawn gnome at it and watching for a reaction.
- Soccer team parties suck.
- Vampires need torches to see in the dark.
- Geode cross sections make handy monitors.
- Humans turned into space vampires have horrible faces, but the rest of their body is normal.
- Swiss Army knives are not exactly the best of weapons.
- Diamonds are easily shattered by dropping them on the floor.
- Biting the referee is a quick way to get disqualified.
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- 1 min - Why is that car all wet when everything else is dry? Oh well, perhaps someone just washed it, er, at midnight...
- 2 mins - Car alarms go off and streetlights burst, but nothing happens inside this kid's room.
- 22 mins - Look at his shadow, definitely noon.
- 39 mins - I don't think that party looks like much fun anyway.
- 49 mins - The moon doesn't give off any light of it's own you moron.
- 60 mins - He made a computer to access the Internet out of a cellular phone, some alligator clips, and an old 286?
- 63 mins - The A-Team! (You'll have to watch the scene.)
- 66 mins - This is a high school soccer team? It's terrible...
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | spacevamps1.wav
| Danvers: "The humans did not realize the awesome power they had unearthed."
| | spacevamps2.wav
| Bill: "So what are we doing in a library? Shouldn't we be out trying something like, I dunno, sharpening stakes or hanging garlic from the streetlight?"
Hank: "Because I am not going to go up and stick a garden stake into that bad boy unless I know he is not going to stick me back."
| | spacevamps3.wav
| Vlathos: "Join us now or you will become a midnight snack for my people..."
| | spacevamps4.wav
| Hank: "I hate the dark. You can't see anything, and you're always out buying flashlight batteries. It is such a hassle."
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | spacevamps1.mpg
- 2.7m
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| The "Lawn Gnome Test" that can be applied to verify an object is of extraterrestrial origin.
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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