|THE SINFUL NUNS OF SAINT VALENTINE
|Copyright 1974 Claudia Cinematografic.
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
- Lucita - Young girl whose family has sent her to an abbey.
- Esteban - Lucita's beloved, he is the entire reason she's locked up with a bunch of horny nuns. Even after being shot he can beat three other men in a sword fight.
- Alonzo - Lucita's father, ends up a monk for falsely accusing Esteban.
- Sister Rosario - One of the few good nuns, she has an encounter with the Abbess and a whip.
- Josefa - Lucita's roommate who doesn't just eat fish on Fridays. (Boy should that remark cause an uproar.) Stabbed to death.
- Isidro - Stenographer for the Inquisition, talk about an easy job. Roasted alive.
- Joaquin - Verger and general handyman for the Abbey, stabbed to death and then dumped down a well.
- The Sinful Nuns - In all honesty most of the nuns aren't that sinful, just a handful and especially the Abbess. Thank your lucky stars that the only ones who get naked are easy on the eyes.
- Father Onorio - Inquisitor who borders on madness, there's a rather confusing section at the end where he admits to once being a servant of Allah.
- The Abbess - Sister Incarnacion is her name, possibly the worst role model for young nuns everywhere, in addition to her sexual escapades she enjoys murdering people. Jumps to her death.
|In the background this movie plays out like "Romeo and Juliet," but on the surface it's all about nuns acting more like somes. (There are a few cases when they even act like a gosh darn lots.) Esteban and Lucita are planning to elope when he is accused of being a heretic and wounded by church soldiers. Forced to hide in a secret room the young man has little idea of the sordid trysts at first, but soon Josefa is murdered and Lucita blamed for the crime. "Innocent until proven guilty" doesn't really sound like too big of a thing until you spend several hours being stretched and told to confess. (Oh, and this must be done topless for some reason, at least if the accused is a young woman.) She finally does confess to protect her lover's hiding place from being discovered, so they haul her off to the dungeons of Seville. Esteban finds out from Joaquin that the Abbess has engineered everything, he decides that making love to Incarnacion through the sheets is his only chance to save Lucita. It's quite a scene by the way, I still have no idea how they managed to accomplish anything with that sheet in the way. The young man travels to meet with Alonzo, meanwhile the Inquisitor returns to the convent and is not very happy with what he finds. (Nun on nun action.) Onorio has the entire bunch, including Lucita, walled up inside the abbey to die of thirst and starvation. Pretty soon you have a bunch of naked women wandering around and fighting over condensation, the young man figures out what has happened and rescues the trapped women just in time. The script must have said, "Insert happy ending here." on the last page.|
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- The best medicine is passionate kissing.
- Convents aren't exactly the best place for a male heretic to hide.
- Secret rooms, lacking any windows, are brightly lit.
- Spanish justice during the Inquisition was pretty much a lose/lose situation for the suspect.
- Roasting young women at the stake improves church attendance.
- Sometimes slapping the crap out a nun is okay.
- If someone leaves you tied up in a thatch hut be careful not to knock over the brazier of hot coals.
- Women dying of thirst tend to wander around naked and often revert to lesbianism.
- 11 mins - You were shot in the arm silly, I think your major concern will be infection, not bleeding to death.
- 15 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 22 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 25 mins - How exactly does that secret door work?
- 27 mins - No stab wounds...
- 30 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 52 mins - Why does the Abbess have a spare bed?
- 71 mins - Notice that "dead" Joaquin carefully eases his own head to the ground.
- 83 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 87 mins - The immortal "slap her clothes off" scene.
- Joaquin: "That won't help me when I'm dead."
- Lucita: "What are you doing in my bed?"
Josefa: "I was waiting for you, it's cold."
- Onorio: "Confess. Answer for your own good."
- Joaquin: "The Abbess isn't human. She's the Devil incarnate!"
- Abbess: "I want slaves!"
- Onorio: "This house is possessed by the Devil."
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|Esteban demonstrates his skill as a swordsman. Sorry it couldn't be a more interesting clip, but the entire movie is just full of naked women. The director must think us males enjoy looking at that sort of thing...
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