MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE
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| Rated PG
| | Copyright 1987 Cannon Films Inc.
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- He-Man - Dolph Lundgren! Steroid defender of all that is good.
- Duncan - Man at Arms, a grizzled veteran who is constantly hungry.
- Teela - Duncan's daughter who, um... ...she's in every scene darn it.
- Gwildor - Dwarf (They have some other upbeat name for his race.) inventor who created the Cosmic Key and likes talking to cows.
- Julie - Courteney Cox! Depressed girl who can't get over her parents death and is moving to New Jersey as treatment. I think I'd rather go with electric shocks to my brain housing group.
- Kevin - Julie's boyfriend and 80s musician. (Which means he plays a synthesizer.)
- The Sorceress - For some reason this woman has a chandelier on her head, maybe it focuses solar energy? I dunno...
- Lubic - James Tolkan! (The bald CO from "Top Gun.") Short cop with an attitude.
- Beastman, Blade, Saurod, and Karg - Mercenaries in Skeletor's army, Karg is one of those "take charge and yell a lot" guys. Skeletor zaps Saurod into special effects heaven.
- Evil Lyn - Meg Foster! (Cagney from Cagney and Lacey.) Probably the only competent evil person in the whole movie.
- Skeletor - Embodiment of all that is evil, a powerful warlock who wishes to control the universe and destroy He-Man. Falls into a power well, where have I seen the main bad guy fall down a shaft into a reactor or something before?
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Who said action figures couldn't make for a great movie? Well, this film actually, but it is pretty darn amusing. The acting is really something else, half the time I'm wondering why He-Man sounds so damn happy. Considering that Castle Greyskull has fallen to a surprise attack by Skeletor and the Sorceress is his prisoner, this guy should be a little worried.
Soon he discovers how the forces of evil penetrated their defenses, a slightly insane Dwarf who created the ultimate key. This key, which sounds like it was manufactured by Yamaha, can open anything - even doorways between dimensions. Which is how the group ends up on Earth, though the device which brought them there lands some distance away.
This gives a neat reason to include a budding Courteney (not a joke about her breasts, well maybe) and her A-Ha idolizing boyfriend, because they find the Cosmic Key and immediately begin playing with it.
Skeletor's forces lock in on the signals and battles rage through the suburbs. Surprise, surprise the good guys lose the first encounter and He-Man is taken in chains back to Greyskull, everyone else is left alive on Earth to rot.
Of course Gwildor MacGuyvers up a makeshift Cosmic key and Kevin remembers the song to open the gateway to Eternia. He-Man sees his friends, breaks free, and recovers his sword for a final battle with a Skeletor (who has just absorbed the power of the universe, as if that would matter. He's the BAD guy, Dolph is the GOOD guy - he's screwed).
Okay, the film is very predictable, but combine the premise with a "motivating" fantasy score and I start cracking up. They should play this music in mental wards, though having two hundred people in gowns acting like Conan would probably be bad... |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- One blonde weight lifter with a sword can take out two dozen guys with laser rifles.
- Good guys use blue lasers, evil guys use red lasers.
- Anybody randomly jumping dimensions will end up on Earth.
- Courteney Cox doesn't look good in a red cowboy hat.
- Never annoy an undead warlock.
- Microwaves are excellent jamming devices.
- People from other dimensions speak perfect English, but use different units of measure.
- A bargain synthesizer can open dimensional gateways.
- Sword fights tend to blow the fuses.
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- 3 mins - VADER?! Sorry...false alarm.
- 15 mins - If Quinn Mallory jumps out of that thing I'll die laughing.
- 21 mins - Courteney Cox! Girl, where in the hell did you get that hat? (Snap, snap, snap.)
- 38 mins - Why the heck does everyone think this thing is Japanese?
- 49 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A MICROWAVE!
- 52 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST FURNITURE!
- 65 mins - Now who didn't see this coming? Julie, you are dumb as a post.
- 67 mins - No! Don't hide behind the 1968 Firebird!
- 68 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A 1968 FIREBIRD!
- 80 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A LOUDSPEAKER!
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- Skeletor: "Your wondrous Sorceress will die!"
Duncan: "You dare threaten her life?"
Skeletor: "I dare anything! I am Skeletor!"
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | mastersu1.wav
| Narrator: "At the center of the Universe. At the border between the light and the dark stands Castle Greyskull."
| | mastersu2.wav
| Duncan: "He-Man! Thank the Sorceress you're alive!"
He-Man: "I've been looking for you."
| | mastersu3.wav
| Kevin: "Whoa-hoo! You know this is one of those new Japanese synthesizers."
| | mastersu4.wav
| He-Man and Skeletor square off on an intellectual level. (This really doesn't last long.)
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | mastersu1.mpg
- 1.8m
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If the movie had not included this scene it would not have been complete. I wanted to hear Dolph say it, you wanted to hear Dolph say it, so all together now, one, two, three:
"I have the POWER!"
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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