|Copyright 1999 Phoenix Pictures
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
- Kelly Scott - Bridget Fonda! Bitchy paleontologist who seems to attract severed heads, though I'm pretty sure she's not happy about that.
- Jack Wells - Bill Pullman! Fish and Game representative and the voice of reason.
- Sheriff Hank Keough - Unhappy man, despite seeming to be fairly bright and witty everyone throws the Neanderthal jokes his way.
- Hector Cyr - Oliver Platt! Rich guy who loves swimming with crocodiles, he is a grade A nut case.
- Mrs. Bickerman - Betty White! Cantankerous (And I mean Cantankerous.) old woman who has been living on the lake for years, she's also been feeding cattle to the crocodile.
- Deputy Gare - She falls for Hector, I have no idea why.
- The Crocodile - A thirty foot monster which has migrated to Maine...
|The technology and actors recruited for these things might keep getting better, but one look at the plot and you have to wonder. All of our characters gravitate to the backwoods of Maine, bent on investigating the strange death of a diver studying beaver populations. Pretty soon the truth is apparent, for some reason an enormous tropical crocodile has made the lake his home. Not only that, but the darn thing seems to be diabetic or possibly warm blooded. (Which would explain it's high rate of metabolism and ability to survive winters in Maine.) So we have Jack and Sheriff Keough running around trying to kill the thing, Kelly is mostly on the conservation side, (Save the fig bucking crocodile!), and Hector probably wants to build a shrine. That last gentleman on our list is a piece of art by the way, when he's not setting snare traps (Which might seriously screw with a human, but not some reptile weighing a few thousand pounds.) he's ranting about them being "dragons." True, the English description of such monsters would closely match a giant crocodile, but the beast in question would have eaten Saint George's horse, then the unhappy knight. After a few close calls, one too close for a deputy, they decide to trap the monster. Just see the plan going all wrong and everyone running all over the place trying to avoid the snapping jaws don't you? You'd be absolutely correct, a few even blaze away with rifles to no effect. Which leads me to a final question, ignoring the strange shotgun/antitank weapon Sheriff Keough owns, why didn't anyone have a weapon capable of killing this thing? I'm certain a good rifle, such as a 30-06, 300 Win, or even 458 Win, would have done just fine. |
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Crocodiles have a difficult time with bite sized divers.
- Sexual harassment laws are starting to border on ridiculous.
- Field work is not a requirement for a degree in Paleontology.
- It's hard to remember someone in a good way when all you have to cry over is a big toe.
- I don't need to watch some overweight county sheriff, with bed head and in his underwear, take a leak.
- Crocodiles like to play with boat anchors.
- Never try to commiserate a friend dying with some mental guy.
- Cows can't fly.
- Radar will detect submerged crocodiles.
- 5 mins - Sort of a large and still lake for beavers, oh never mind, they're just mops of hair pulled along on a string.
- 13 mins - What sort of firearm is that again?
- 18 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A SHERIFF!
- 26 mins - That pickup line worked? I am going to Maine...
- 32 mins - Whole lot of love here, whole lot of love.
- 35 mins - It carefully gutted and ate the moose?
- 44 mins - Well, it just ate the only Grizzly living in Maine...
- 49 mins - How did they get all the groundwater out of the print so they could make the cast of it?
- 52 mins - I never thought I'd hear Betty White say that.
- 61 mins - Let me remind you, it recently tried to eat your helicopter.
- 69 mins - Kelly was submerged for just under one minute. Not bad for someone who does not exercise and is full of adrenaline.
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Kelly: "I don't do field, and even if I did, Maine? I'm allergic to timber!" |
Her Boss: "Kelly..."
Kelly: "I am not going to Maine."
||Jack: "Do you know how your husband died?" |
Mrs. Bickerman: "Oh yes, I killed him!"
Jack: "You killed him?"
Mrs. Bickerman: "Oh yes!"
||Mrs. Bickerman: "If I had a dick this is where I'd tell you to suck it." |
Sheriff: "Did the crocodile kill your husband?"
Mrs. Bickerman: "Yes, but it was all... ...it was a mistake."
Kelly: "A mistake?"
||Hector: "Let's not overlook the fact that he didn't eat me." |
Jack: "'Cause he just ate a cow, stupid!"
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