Brides of Blood B-Movie Review

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BRIDES OF BLOOD - 2 Slimes

Not Rated

Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 21 July 2007

The Characters:

Jim - This species of stoic and independent hero provides engineering knowledge to villagers. He uses his powerful thigh muscles to asphyxiate his prey and can deliver a powerful kick when provoked.
Dr. Paul Henderson - He wishes that his wife was not such a whore and also that he knew why plants and animals on the island are subject to nocturnal mutations. Has his throat cut by a machete.
Carla Henderson - Most women wake up in the middle of the night and think, "I am thirsty." or maybe, "I am going to sneak downstairs and eat a bowl of ice cream." Carla's first thought is, "I could really go for some d**k right now." Loved too much by the monster.
Alma - Attractive native girl. Engineers with strong thighs get her hot.
Arcadio - He is one of the village elders, which explains how he gets away with wearing a fez.
Esteban Powers - A refined gentleman who owns a mansion on the island.
Goro - Overseer of Esteban's estate and quick to use his whip when one of the midgets gets out of line. Torn apart by the monster.
The Monster - Having been exposed to radiation, Esteban sometimes undergoes the same transformation that Catholics insist masturbators will suffer (growing steel wool from the palms, back, and face) and becomes a bloated, raging, horny beast. Toasted extra crispy.

The Plot:

Here is an interesting little trash film, which certainly does not attempt to masquerade as anything else. Look at the title. Despite "Bride" being one of the words, nobody is going to mistake this for a chick flick.

Three Americans travel to Blood Island with three separate goals. Dr. Henderson wants to examine the flora and fauna to determine if any of the nearby atomic tests caused mutations or other phenomenon. Jim is a member of the Peace Corps or another similar organization and wants to make the villagers' lives better. Mostly that involves him telling the natives, "You need an irrigation system. Start digging." and then watching the other men do all the work. Carla's mission is more aptly described as missionary, though I doubt she limits herself to any one position. Anyway, the wanton blonde is always on a manhunt. She even gets her plumbing inspected during the boat trip to the island, courtesy of an obliging sailor.

When the trio arrives at the island, they immediately realize something is wrong. A funeral procession moves from the village to the beach. Woven reed mats are wrapped around the deceased, but the remains look shorter than would be expected. The reason for that becomes clear when a leg falls out of one bundle. Whoever is being carried to their final resting place in the ocean was dismembered. The villagers take the remains a short distance offshore before dumping them into the water. Unless there are some fat and happy sharks in the area, various body parts should be washing ashore daily.

Obviously, something is terribly wrong on Blood Island.

The new visitors are sought out by Goro and invited to the Powers' mansion for dinner. Their table talk is a far cry from normal dinner conversations; the main topics covered are the Pacific nuclear tests and mutations. During his initial investigations, Dr. Henderson nearly tripped over a mutant land crab, noticed that the sunset occurs early and has a strange cast, and discovered a banana tree with a prehensile appendage. His hypothesis is that the abnormalities are the products of radiation exposure (I am fine with that, except for the sunset being mutated by radiation). The script does an interesting job of portraying radiation as a mercurial force. Later, we find out that it extended Esteban's lifespan, but also turned him into a mutant. We also learn that radiation exposure caused the late Mrs. Powers to blacken and wither away like an overripe banana.

Numerous midget servants inhabit Esteban's mansion. They scamper ahead of the guests, peeking from around corners, then refill drinks during dinner. The flock (herd, drove, mob - whatever you call a bevy of midgets) of small servants proved to be a distraction I could not ignore. It also gave me an idea, but when I asked my wife she said, "No!"

Following dinner, Jim and the older couple attempt to return to the village. They travel through a jungle that has come alive. I do not mean that the plants sit there, making chlorophyll and waiting for a herbivore to nibble on them. These trees have tentacles that thrash about! The jungle also resounds with an eerie chorus of sounds created by the mutant flora; even hampered by budget, some of this is quite effective at creating a spooky atmosphere.

The three Americans encounter a procession of the villagers, led by Arcadio. Jim and the others watch, aghast, as two young women are tied to bamboo poles and stripped naked. The visitors are ushered away and not able to see what happens next, but the sounds are enough. Something large enters the clearing where the girls hang helpless from the sacrificial posts. It has sex with the screaming victims until they are torn apart by the bestial fury of the monster's lust. Then, sated, the creature returns to the jungle (presumably to take a nap).

Uh, yeah...it is some pretty rough sex when the woman falls apart. I imagine that Hercules probably went through a couple of girlfriends before he got the hang of it, too.

The nightly offering of brides to the creature appears to be a common occurrence, which makes one wonder how long the village can support the ritual before they run out of maidens. Arcadio presides over another selection ceremony the following evening. Unfortunately, Alma draws one of the tokens marking her as a bride-to-be. Though it takes some heroic effort and nearly earns him a spear in the ribs, Jim is able to save the frightened girl before the monster gets his fatal groove on. The young couple flees to the mansion, where the Hendersons are already staying.

Viewers know that Esteban is probably the beast. However, Carla hasn't a clue. All she knows is that it has been two days since she had a man and, damn it, she needs a man! She tries to sneak into Esteban's bedroom for a quickie, but Goro runs her out. Eventually, the sex-addicted woman's urges put her in the wrong place at the wrong time. She finds out that lust can be fatal. Paul is killed by Goro soon after, while Jim and Alma are forced to flee back to the village with the rampaging monster in pursuit. The natives finally find the nerve to stand up to the beast (must've realized how much it would suck to be like China, with four males for every female) and grab their torches. Chased into a hut, which is then set on fire, the monster is finally vanquished. The beast staggers out of the inferno and collapses. As it dies, the monster regains its human form and is revealed to be poor Esteban; burns cover ninety percent of his body and guacamole dip covers the other ten percent.

The film ends with an unusual fertility ritual in front of the village idol. All of the maidens (I guess they did have several left) dance to the drums as young men join them in undulating to the beat. After sufficient grinding, the couples sprint off into the night to consummate the dance. Of course, Alma pulls Jim up to her from the crowd of onlookers and leads him into the dark jungle. They drop onto the sand near several other passionate couples. The end.

This is yet another example of why everyone should carry a towel. Sand in the wrong places could be very, very bad. Yikes! Be frood, carry a towel.

I already mentioned that the scenes of the living jungle were striking, though sometimes marred by visible wires. Carla's out and out need for sex was also entertaining. There are several times you can make light of her antics by speaking her thoughts. "I need sex! Where is a man? Why isn't there a man around when you need one? There is man! Yum, broad shoulders, strong arms, firm buttocks and...I have just got to get me some d**k RIGHT NOW!" Let's not forget the whole premise of a village offering sacrificial maidens to a radiation-spawned fiend that then bangs them to pieces.

This review is a small part of the huge B-Movie Beach Party! Click on the banner for more reviews of films that feature sun, sand, fish monsters, flying pirahnas, and wild bikinis.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Human sacrifice is one of those things that was not better in the good old days.
A woman's libido is directly proportionate to her hair volume.
Winning the lottery is not always a cause for celebration.
When trees are hungry, they make sounds like an empty stomach.
Never use your bare hands to grab the rare Pacific Fanged Moth.
Want variety? Give an engineer ten plain, collared shirts and a few rolls of electrical tape in various colors.
Sarongs are "one size fits all."
Banana trees are O positive.
People who live in thatched huts should not throw torches.

Stuff To Watch For:

7 mins - Guys, you dropped something back there...
12 mins - Could it be that your hair is causing an eclipse?
19 mins - A colony of midget servants! I am so moving to the Philippines!
21 mins - Keeping that in tune must be a daily task.
31 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
33 mins - That is a very large, very fake, moth.
40 mins - Do you think it is easy being married to a dumb whore?
53 mins - I think that having a flare gun shot at me would probably ruin the mood.
87 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST THE CONJUGAL BAMBOO STAKE!

Quotes:

Jim: "Well, maybe it mutated itself back to its original shape. If that's possible."
Carla: "I've seen it happen to a banana plant."

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	bridesblood1.wav	Arcadio: "We have gone back to primitive ways. There are things which we do now, that we did not do before."
	bridesblood2.wav	Carla: "Paul, what's happening here?" Dr. Henderson: "It seems that some living organisms on this island are undergoing drastic mutation." (That sound in the background is the monster getting his groove on.)
	bridesblood3.wav	Dr. Henderson: "What's the point of all this? You want to see me wallow in self pity?" Carla: "It could be that. It could also be that, in spite of what I am, there's a part of me that's still in love with you."
	bridesblood4.wav	Esteban: "Goro tells me that the villagers are after you. Is this true?" Jim: "Yes, I seem to have offended 'The Evil One' when I cut her loose last night." Esteban: "This is really quite terrible. It's idiotic of me not to have a radio transmitter. As it is, we are completely cut off."
	Theme Song	Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

Click for a larger image

IMAGES

Scenes from the movie

Watch a scene

VIDEO

MPEG video files

	bridesblood1.mpg - 3.0m
	Carla was following Esteban with the hope that he had time for some late night jungle nookie, but panicked when the trees started to come alive. Now, at the end of her race, the tramp finally encounters a man who is more than she can handle.