ABRAXAS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE
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| Rated R
| | Copyright 1991 Rose and Rusty Productions.
| | Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 'a long time ago'
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- Abraxas - Jesse "The Body" Ventura ladies and gentlemen! A "finder" protecting the known galaxy from criminals.
- Secundus - Used to be Abraxas' partner, now intent on finding the "anti-life equation" and becoming a godlike force. Get's zapped.
- Sonia - Girl who Secundus impregnates.
- Tommy - Offspring of Secundus and Sonia, he is a comater (Komator? Or something like that, work with me.) and able to formulate the "anti-life equation."
- Dar and Hite - Dispatchers for Abraxas.
- Deputy White - Little but annoying cop.
- Sheriff Sharp - Down to earth county sheriff.
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| Jesse "The Body" Ventura, governor of Minnesota and defender of the universe. What else could you want from a bad movie? Well, first and foremost - cut out the soft jazz music soundtrack. Gads it was annoying, everything to soft music... ...a tender moment between Abraxas and Sonia: soft jazz. Abraxas and Secundus kicking the crap out of each other: soft jazz. Somebody sitting on the toilet, okay that didn't happen but if it had: soft jazz. Well, our favorite wrestler-turned-state leader is a sort of intergalactic cop, protecting everyone and thing from the bad guys. Secundus was his partner, now a serious bad guy, intent on discovering an equation which will grant him limitless power. To this end he impregnates Sonia, lucky for her Abraxas is no heartless killer, she raises the resulting child rather well. Except he doesn't talk, until the end of course. The bad guy escapes prison, intent on wringing the anti-life equation out of Tommy, so the good guy pursues (insert relevant names here) and a climatic battle is imminent! Imminent in the sequel, but imminent none the less. I must recommend this film with reservation, but you have to hear the governor of Minnesota say, "My box has VD." |
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
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- Ozone is used to reinforce bones.
- Aliens can make a woman pregnant through their palms.
- Women can give birth with their pants on.
- There is a mathematical theorem called the "anti-life equation."
- Soft jazz music doesn't go well with two men fighting.
- When carrying a crowbar and attacked - use it.
- Don't ask a woman if a guy is her mating partner.
- Naked Jesse Ventura should not offer to tell a young kid a story involving two men.
- A woman clearing her throat means she wants sex, like now.
- Small town cops always carry an uzi.
- Aliens hate car doors.
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- 11 mins - Two people parking to make out huh? You are so screwed...
- 16 mins - She got real pregnant real fast.
- 17 mins - Ugh, Kenny G music.
- 19 mins - Hey dad, doesn't it strike you as odd your daughter left this evening not pregnant and comes home in the morning with an infant?
- 31 mins - Okay, enough of the "running through the woods" scene.
- 35 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST PEPSI!
- 38 mins - Just some girl getting her head crushed.
- 46 mins - Ouch! (Stabbed with a lamp.)
- 58 mins - Abraxas gets to see some home grown hooters.
- 62 mins - Apartment? She was living in a two story house!
- 79 mins - Painful slow motion fight scene, set to light listening music of course.
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- Abraxas: "You will speak when spoken to or I will deactivate your vocal mode."
- Abraxas: "I'll be eleven thousand, eight hundred and sixty-two next Tuesday. That's a little bit more than six, isn't it?"
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| | Audio clips in wav format | SOUNDS | Starving actors speak out | |
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| File | Dialog |  | abraxas1.wav
| Hite: "Secundus would be irrelevent if you had eliminated the girl before she gave birth."
Abraxas: "None of us could be certain her child would possess the anti-life equation."
| | abraxas2.wav
| Abraxas: "My box has VD trust me."
Woman: "Your what?"
Abraxas: "VD, vibrational detection."
| | abraxas3.wav
| Sonia: "Think you space guys or whatever it is you are could have dropped me a note or something? You know, just to let me know that I'm not crazy."
| | abraxas4.wav
| Abraxas' gushy closing remarks, set to easy listening music... (To understand my pain you must listen to this.)
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| | Click for a larger image | IMAGES | Scenes from the movie | |
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| | Watch a scene | VIDEO | MPEG video files | |
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 | abraxas1.mpg
- 2.5m
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| There is nothing like guys fighting to soothing music, in addition to fireworks going off at random. Ha! You thought I was joking about the soundtrack didn't you?
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| | Leave a comment | EXTRAS | Buy the movie | |
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