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TINTORERA! - 1 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1977 Conacite Uno
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 21 May 2008

Capsule Review:    

I thought that the movie was going to be about a killer tiger shark, ala a south of the border rip-off of "Jaws." Well, it's not. This movie is about a pair of men, Steven and Miguel, who, despite being unlikely companions, become friends and spend their days and nights having three-ways with women (when they are not shark fishing). That is pretty much the movie. "Tintorera!" is rather dissimilar to the better-known American film. Nobody needs a bigger boat, because Steven's rented party barge already has plenty of room for sexual escapades. Chief Brody and Quint certainly did not tag-team any swinging ladies (egad, imagine a movie mix-up of "Jaws" and "Deep Throat").

There is a woman who gets chomped when she goes for a solitary swim after having sex with Miguel, but the similarity ends there. Miguel had sex with her and went to sleep; he did not drunkenly stumble after the girl, then give up because she was running too quickly (biggest putz in "Jaws" - that loser). Besides, there is no buoy visible when the screaming female shark treat gets et.

The movie's center section is completely occupied with Steven, Miguel, and Gabriella's blissful love triangle. I do not mean that the men are vying for the young lady's attention. The trio is quite happy with the situation, and even exchange rings to cement the relationship. Unfortunately, the titular tiger shark goes after Gabriella one day and Miguel bravely sacrifices himself to save her. Ever seen a shark eating a wetsuit filled with something obviously purchased from the local butcher? It's amusing, and effective. Anyway, Gabriella is heartbroken by Miguel's death. She leaves Steven and returns to the United States.

I guess that something was missing from the relationship once Miguel was gone. Perhaps Steven should have invested in a few adult novelties so that Gabriella could pretend there were still two men in her bed.

Bereft of booty, Steven hooks up with a pair of girls he met earlier in the film. Hey, now those are much better odds for the old gringo! Too bad for him that the fish munching…er…fish makes another appearance and eats one of the young nubiles. That pisses Steven off; he is sick and tired of the shark interfering with his sexual activities. Into the water he goes, but neither man nor shark could be considered a winner of the final confrontation.

Maybe someone can tell me what "Tintorera" means. It has to be Spanish for "three-way" or "tiger shark." I'm just not sure which.

Things I Learned From This Show:  

Green Dot In Mexico, it is legal to rape a woman if she is lying on your oranges.
Green Dot Sharks have a nickname for women who go swimming immediately after having sex: "Meat Twinkies."
Green Dot The lower a region's per capita income, the worse it is to be a fish.
Green Dot Cancún is a popular destination for vacationing Latin gigolos.

Stuff To Watch For:  

Green Dot 57 mins - He also has a silver bullet, just in case of a wereshark.
Green Dot 91 mins - "No, I insist, you go first."
Green Dot 100 mins - Does anybody in this town do anything besides drink and kill sharks?
Green Dot 109 mins - What is this shark's beef with Steven's sex life? Does it disapprove of three-ways, or what?


Tourist: "What did you say the name was?"
Redhead: "Tintorera. Americans like you call it 'tiger shark.' Stupid Americans, they should talk in English."

Miguel: "She's alone and looking for action."
Steve: "How can you be so sure?"

Miguel: "I bet you I'll go to bed with her before you do."
Steve: "That's a bet I wouldn't want to lose."

Gabriella: "Musketeers - one for two..."
Miguel: "...And two for one."

Steven: "The thing is, I'm not even jealous when she's with you. On the contrary, I like what she does."

Drug Dealer: "I'll give them back to you tonight. I'll trade them for these two."

Steven: "Get out! Get out of the water!"

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