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Torture by turtle!

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Not Rated
Copyright 1978 Harry Hope/Spectacular Film Productions
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 7 August 2008

Capsule Review:    

A criminal nicknamed "The Pig" (it's Odd Job!) uses a genius scientist's invention to create a freeze bomb, but the scientist gets wind of the evil plan and drinks poison. Before committing suicide, the scientist implants a microchip with the schematics for the bomb in his assistant's scalp. The woman is on the run, with half of the criminal underworld looking for her, and she does not know who to trust.

Watching the bad guys test their freeze bomb is pretty funny. Several people are tied to stakes and the bomb is detonated; it starts snowing and the sacrificial test subjects are turned into corpsicles. That...doesn't look very effective. I could have done the same thing with a CO2 fire extinguisher, though it would have meant getting close enough for the victims to spit on me. I hate it when people I am freezing to death with a fire extinguisher spit on me.

The best part of the movie is Odd Job's pet tortoise. You read that right: the evil mastermind is usually seen holding a tortoise and lovingly caressing its shell. As quirks go, it is pretty memorable, because it looks just as stupid as it sounds. Later on, the bad guys catch the scientist's assistant and try to torture the details about the bomb out of her (they do not know about the microchip). Mr. Tortoise Lover tells his assistant to, "Bring in the box." What I expected them to pull out was scorpions or c-clamps. Oh no, Odd Job's secret implement of torture is a big ol' Alligator Snapping Turtle; he threatens to let the reptile bite the woman's tits off! If there is any reason to see this movie, it is to giggle at the evil henchpet tortoise and the completely unexpected turtle torture sequence.

Working to save the woman in peril, and avert an early winter, is Detective Ash (Jim Kelly - no, not the football player). Oddly, at one point Ash visits the Mustang Ranch to look for clues. To hide his real reasons for coming, he has to pick out a prostitute. Looking at that lineup, I think that he was choosing the lesser of multiple ugly prospects. Those can't be the same girls that made the ranch famous, or were standards much lower back then? Well, Ash does not seem to find the prostitute attractive either. He bails out of the room and snoops around until he encounters several toughs who he defeats with his martial arts. Following more kung fu fights, shootouts, and chases (both car and boat), Ash teams up with an Asian buddy; the two of them use their martial arts to thwart Odd Job's evil plan.

Things I Learned From This Show:  

Green Dot Malt liquor is a health food.
Green Dot Whorehouses are surrounded by eight-foot fences and guard towers.
Green Dot Usually, funeral homes will not suggest dressing the departed in a turtleneck, but there are exceptions.
Green Dot Never take your pet extension cord into the pool with you.

Stuff To Watch For:  

Green Dot 1 min - Buy a new scalpel, that one is dreadfully dull.
Green Dot 12 mins - Like Sherlock Holmes with an afro!
Green Dot 36 mins - The Pig should hire a heavy that does not spit so much. Heck, a camel spits less than that guy.
Green Dot 52 mins - It's like Netflix for whores!

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