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CHILLERAMA
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| Unrated
| | Copyright 2011 ArieScope Pictures
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Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 25 March 2012
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My bad movie spider sense was tingling when I discovered this DVD. The packaging describes it as a homage to anthology movies and classic drive-in films, and the cover artwork is a chaotic montage of monsters, girls, guns, and even Hitler. Sometimes it is movies like this that turn out to be unknown gems. So, I bought it. Oh boy, was this film ever an unpleasant surprise. It is, as advertised, four short films with another movie wrapped around them to provide a thread of continuity. It does indeed attempt to pay homage to classic exploitation and b-movies. Unfortunately, what they did was not so much homage as copy. Just as bad, almost all of the short films are filled with juvenile sexual humor that is presented in the most offensive manner possible.
The overall setting for "Chillerama" is a drive-in operated by a Cecil B. Kaufman. It is the final night before the old place closes, so Mr. Kaufman is determined to go out in style by showing four previously unreleased movies. The drive-in's last patrons are the normal eclectic mix, including a jerk and his hot date and three friends who love b-movies. One of the drive-in employees decides to stop by his late wife's grave before work. No, he wasn't bringing her flowers. He wanted to defile her corpse. The dead wife comes back to life and bites off the man's testicles. Rather than seek medical attention, the suddenly soprano reports for work as normal, but something is obviously wrong with him. Things go from potentially bad to worse as the evening progresses.
First up on the drive-in's final night of fright is "Wadzilla." It is the story of Miles Munson, a man whose sperm count is incredibly low, and what sperm he does produce are completely unmotivated to do anything. In case you are wondering, that is abnormal. Sperm are usually extremely motivated mother-making chaps. After taking an experimental drug meant to invigorate his spermatozoon (yes, that's singular), Miles experiences "side effects." He creates a monster sperm that continues to grow and grow until it is large enough to rape the Statue of Liberty. The military is forced to blow the slippery beast to pieces, resulting in a lot of people, Miles included, being splashed with white goo.
Next on the drive-in's list of films is "I Was a Teenage Werebear." Now, I didn't think that it was possible for the movie to sink any lower into childish sexual humor than the first short film, but I was mistaken. Everyone knows that bear is sometimes used to describe a big, hairy, gay man, right? Well, take a look at the title and guess what. Yep. They went there. Stop shaking your head no. "I Was a Teenage Werebear" is about a teenage boy who gets bit on the butt by another boy. After which, when aroused, the boy transforms into a heavyset, middle-aged, hairy gay man. The short film freely mixes the Frankie and Annette beach party movies and "Twilight," along with a liberal application of homosexual humor. It is agonizingly painful to me. I spent probably thirty minutes looking for some connection between "I Was a Teenage Werebear" and David DeCoteau, but came up empty-handed (unlike every male in the movie).
The third short movie showing at Mr. Kaufman's drive-in is my favorite, "The Diary of Anne Frankenstein." Hitler discovers where Anne and her family are hiding, kills them all, and takes the notes that her grandfather used to create life from a reassembled corpse. Der Führer makes just one fatal mistake when he builds his own unstoppable monster: he uses Jewish parts. The massive creature tears apart the laboratory, the Führer's mistress, and der Führer's face.
It's not high art by any measure, but compared to the previous two cinematic monstrosities that I have been forced to endure, it's a freaking masterpiece.
The fourth and final movie is "Deathication" which mocks the memory of William Castle. The purported director introduces the film, and threatens that it will scare people so much that they will befoul themselves with excrement. It only lasts for a short while before ending due to events taking place at the drive-in, but it packs plenty of s**t into those the few minutes. Ever want to see a man experiencing projectile dysentery? Well, you're in luck.
Meanwhile, the drive-in has transformed into oversexed zombie central. Through an unfortunate series of events, almost all of the people become zombies that want to fornicate. The last two survivors are a pair of virgins who lock themselves in a car to have sex, hoping that the end doesn't come before they do.
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| Things I Learned From This Show: | |
|  | Everything that comes out of a zombie is neon blue in color.
| | | Astroglide also produces popcorn butter.
| | | Sperm and pit bulls are almost indistinguishable.
| | | Malibu girls have more sex than IQ.
| | | Jason Voorhees is Jewish.
| | | Nazi scientists invented the clapper.
| | | The Wilhelm scream is the sound of a man being anally raped.
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| | | 13 mins - Miles is single, and by the looks of him, unlikely to enjoy the intimate company of a woman any time soon. Why are his sperm important?
| | | 37 mins - Dude, if masturbating is painful and makes blue goo drip out of your mangled doo-dads, my suggestion is to STOP DOING IT.
| | | 59 mins - Why in the hell am I being subjected to this trash? Am I on candid camera or something? Is David DeCoteau suddenly going to hop out of the bushes and point at the hidden camera as the audience laughes?
| | | 83 mins - OK, that was stupid, but stupid enough to be really funny.
| | | 91 mins - "Salo 2: The Next Day"? EGADS!
| | | 93 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOTS!
| | | 98 mins - Again I ask: why in the hell am I being subjected to this?
| | | 108 mins - God help me, I actually laughed when Mr. Kaufman yelled "Rosebud, motherf***er!"
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| Mr. Kaufman: "Wellll hell-lel-lel-lo kiddies! It's your old friend, Uncle Cecil, welcoming you to the final ghoulish night of murder and mayhem. Yes, my ghouls and gals, it's time for Chillerama!"
| Doctor: (gestures to microscope) "Have a look in there Miles."
Miles: (looking) "Wow! Look at 'em all go."
Doctor: "That is an example of normal sperm, and that (gestures to other microscope) is your sperm."
Miles: (checking out his single wimpy sperm under the microscope) "Yikes. That doesn't look good."
| Ricky: (sing) "Purge this urge. Oh God, I've really got to purge this urge. If nothing else, I've got to purge this urge. Ohhhhhwwweeeoooohhh!"
| Hitler: "I have cracked the code to Dr. Frankenstein's formula."
Eva: "You are so hot when you commit genocide."
| Fernando Phagabeefy: "In other words, this film will rape you with your own feces. And that my friends is a Fernando Phagabeefy promise."
| Mr. Kaufman: "Get your undead d**ks out of my drive-in!" (Followed by the sound of a zombie being shot in the balls with a shotgun.)
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