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THE BAT PEOPLE
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| Rated PG
| | Copyright 1974 American Independent Pictures
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Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 9 April 2008
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A man and his wife take a cave tour and wander off the beaten path. The missus falls down a hole and the manly man follows without thinking, meaning they are stuck in a pit without a rope, ladder, or even a stepstool. Then a bat attacks and bites the husband on his forehead. Once they are rescued, the pair goes skiing for a few days, despite both of them voicing a concern about rabies. It takes a pair of violent seizures before the wife is able to convince her husband that starting treatment immediately would be prudent.
After some of the seizures (which are funny to watch; the guy looks like he is experiencing the world's worst migraine headache), the husband turns into a werebat. He commits murders and drinks the blood of his victims, then crawls back into bed with his wife and has nightmares about the transformations. Eventually, the afflicted fellow flees the hospital and hides out in the bat-infested caverns. Watch for the scene where he sneaks back into the hospital and drinks whole blood as if the stuff were juice pouches.
For some reason, the only individual to suspect the murderer's real identity is a rough county sheriff out to screw the grieving wife. Never mind that she was swapping saliva and other bodily fluids with a man possibly infected with rabies - the sheriff wants some crazy bat booty. See, this is why a lot of people still contract gonorrhea, herpes, and all sorts of other pus-discharging infections of the nether regions. You all know it is infected. Just stay out of it, or at least buy some quality latex!
When the sheriff finally tracks down the fugitive, we get to see that he looks more like an extra from Planet of the Apes than a bat person. He needed a longer snout, less hair, and larger ears.
A frustrating puzzle is why the rabies angle was introduced at all. It, including the bat bite, is a complete red herring.
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| Things I Learned From This Show: | |
|  | Contracting rabies requires both patience and apathy.
| | | The best way to identify a hobo is by his distinct odor.
| | | What the Red Cross needs is a taste tester.
| | | Bats are actually a species of winged tomato.
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| | | 18 mins - Have you ever seen "Old Yeller?"
| | | 33 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A MANNEQUIN!
| | | 83 mins - This is a clear case of assault and bat-tery. Okay, put the Taser down. You knew I was going to make a horrible bat pun sooner or later.
| | | 86 mins - "Orcus? Who is Orcus?"
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