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2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK
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| Not Rated
| | Copyright 2012 The Asylum
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Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 4 January 2013
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The title catches your attention and gives away the movie's premise at the same time, doesn't it? You are thinking that there is going to be a shark with two heads, and that it will probably eat some people. Congratulations, you get a cookie. You should eat it while watching something besides the SyFy channel, because it is not a good idea to subject both your head and your stomach to junk food at the same time.
Incredibly, the biggest challenge in watching this film is not the monster. Yes, a huge two-headed shark is a lulu of a critter, but the glaring dilemma with this movie is the script and the acting. Both are horrible, so much so that you will be happy to hear that almost everyone gets eaten by the two-headed shark. Back to that shark: the only evolutionary advantage that I can think of for a two-headed shark to evolve is being able to eat two victims at the same time. So, this is the one time that the buddy system will make someone a more attractive target for a predator (and ruin the Doublemint gum franchise). Which is exactly what happens when the movie opens; the shark swallows a pair waterskiing hunnies before eating the three men who were driving the boat.
Yes, that means that each head gets one-and-a-half men.
Cut to a boat filled with college students on a maritime trip that looks more like a bikini and booze cruise than anything remotely academic. Among the crew is Carmen Electra, though her only real reason for being in the film is a scene with her sunbathing on the deck. After the boat is damaged, the professor (Charlie O'Connell) and students go ashore to a small atoll while the crew repair the boat. That is when the movie really started to bug me, because I hate all of the students and want them to get eaten as quickly as possible. The two worst offenders are a muscle-minded goon named Cole and none other than Brooke Hogan. The Hulkster's daughter is supposed to be the main female protagonist, but there are two problems with that:
1. She is a snippy shrew.
2. I do not find her attractive.
A few people have questioned me about point #2. Look, imagine Brooke with handlebar moustache and a bandana on her head. She looks just like her father, doesn't she? Yeah... Even without the threat of daddy's twenty-four inch pythons, there is no way I would touch that. No way, brother!
While the young adults are exploring the atoll, and sometimes each other, the shark takes every opportunity to eat them. The idiot humans finally notice that their numbers are decreasing, usually by twos and threes, but it's not until Brooke's character and Cole are racing a pair of boats that the students realize there is a giant, two-headed, swimming, people-eating shark in the water. You are thinking "They should just stay out of the water." and that's a good idea, except that the atoll is mysteriously shrinking a la Attack of the Crab Monsters.
There is also the problem that the water around the atoll is over sixty fathoms deep just thirty feet from the shore, meaning that the atoll sinking spells deep doo-doo for the remaining humans. O'Connell and Electra meet their end in a scene reminiscent of Téa Leoni hugging her dad at the end of "Deep Impact." Although here the giant wave is being surfed by a monster two-headed shark that gobbles up the pair as they embrace. It is up to Brooke and two other surviving students to save themselves by changing the title to no-headed shark attack, and they do, and it's a happy ending. Well, except for everyone who has had their Brooke Hogan fantasy ruined.
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| Things I Learned From This Show: | |
|  | Making a gaffe with a gaff is not worth a laugh when your propeller is involved.
| | | Sharks eat because they are annoyed.
| | | A forty foot-long shark can hide in four feet of water.
| | | Sharks are not afraid of a crucifix.
| | | Black women do not believe in pronouns.
| | | Sharks are attracted to cell phones.
| | | The average college student believes that a shirt soaked with seawater can be set on fire with a lighter.
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| | | 6 mins - They even have complementary bikinis. BFFs?
| | | 17 mins - She just administered the benediction to the audience with a welding torch. This does not look good for us.
| | | 28 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
| | | 57 mins - She must be Catholic.
| | | 58 mins - No, your father is a wrestler.
| | | 80 mins - Is the top of that fuel drum made of cardboard?
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| Student: "No, we can't do that. All right, it's got twice the electroreception than a regular shark. It's like it can sense every electro-magnetic field in the water!"
| Cole: "Mayday! Please, anybody there? I'm sinking! There's a two-headed shark attacking me!"
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