A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!

Olivia Bauer · January 08, 2012, 07:59:21 PM

At 8:00 PM (CST) I will begin my riff on the 2010 Christmas box office catastrophe "The Nutcracker in 3D". Obviously my copy won't have the actual 3D but I don't feel like giving myself a headache. Why was this film considered so bad? Well keep in mind that I haven't watched it before tonight, so I'll have no clue until the review begins. After the embarrassment of Rats: Night of Terror I watched a few excerpts from this movie to make sure that it didn't have any weird issues. Everything seems to be in order. I'll see you guys in an hour.

Olivia Bauer · January 08, 2012, 09:00:05 PM

IT'S SHOW TIME!

Olivia Bauer · January 08, 2012, 09:01:44 PM

1:00 - The Nutcracker the Untold Story? They advertised it as Nutcracker 3D what's this subtitle about?

Olivia Bauer · January 08, 2012, 09:03:33 PM

2:43 - Erm... I think this kid needs help. Please tell me he doesn't play with anthills and magnifying glasses.

Olivia Bauer · January 08, 2012, 09:05:37 PM

4:50 - Uhg. Inattentive parent that won't pay attention to their children. Welcome to the '90s.

Olivia Bauer · January 08, 2012, 09:06:20 PM

5:40 - That is the most stereotypical German doctor I've ever seen. Not offensive at all.

Olivia Bauer · January 08, 2012, 09:08:20 PM

7:50 - He said a STORY! Of course it's made up you little... Grr..

Olivia Bauer · January 08, 2012, 09:09:10 PM

8:30 - Gee whiz, I wonder if the dolls will become real characters relevant to the plot when the initial incident occurs.

Olivia Bauer · January 08, 2012, 09:09:54 PM

9:13 - "I call him NC for short."

...Nostalgia Critic?

Olivia Bauer · January 08, 2012, 09:11:36 PM

10:20 - DUMMY! You don't actually crack nuts with the Nutcracker... Which will always bother me.

Olivia Bauer · January 08, 2012, 09:12:26 PM

11:30 - That thing is disturbing. It peers into my soul without remorse. It will haunt my nightmares.

Olivia Bauer · January 08, 2012, 09:13:32 PM

12:07 - Oh dear god... Offensive doctor stereotype with a theory called "Relativity", I bet they thought they were being subtle and witty.

Olivia Bauer · January 08, 2012, 09:20:35 PM

15:00 - That thing just got creepier. By this point I would have popped it's f**king head off and thrown holy water at it.

Olivia Bauer · January 08, 2012, 09:23:29 PM

17:30 - Spontaneous combustion? She believes this? Dear god.

Olivia Bauer · January 08, 2012, 09:24:33 PM

Please, please, please, please tell me the Nutcracker doesn't ALWAYS sound like that.