The truly terrible joke thread

[ER]

I was in a traffic jam yesterday when a man tapped on my window and told me that terrorists had kidnapped Donald trump and we've  demanding 10 billion in ransom or  they were going to fill a swimming pool with gasoline,  throw him in it and set it on fire.  He asked me if I'd donate anything to help.

I told him they could out me down for 2 gallons.

There's always meanness in the things you find funny, never joy.

[Alex]

There are 3 types of people in this world: Those that are good at Math and those that are not.


What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wipes his butt.


A man goes into the hospital with 6 plastic horses up his bum.

The doctors described his condition as stable.

[Alex]

Three nuns are sitting on a park bench.
A man comes up and exposes himself to them.
Two of them have a stroke. But the third one couldn't reach.

[Trevor]

A drunk guy walks into a bra 

[ER]

What does oral sex past eighty taste like?
Depends.

[Svengoolie 3]

Why does Melania get on top? Trump can only xxxx up.

[indianasmith]

I was sitting on the toiled late one  night, scrolling through FB on my phone when I saw the time flip over from 11:59 PM to 12:00 AM.
I thought:  "Same sh*t, different day."

[Svengoolie 3]

[ER]

Back in 1950 two French nuns visited the United States and decided to take in a baseball game to get the atmosphere of the sport. No matter how strange the game and all that went on there might prove, the sisters were determined to go with it.

As they settled into the bleachers a vendor walked past calling, "Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here!"

The nuns looked at one another in shock. "Mon dieu!" gasped the first nun. "Americans eat cooked dogs?"

The second nun shrugged and hiding her own horror said, "We promised to try everything and since so many Americans are eating dog, we should have some too."

Summoning her courage, the first sister held out a dime and got two hotdogs handed her way. She passed one to her friend and unwrapped hers, then shut her eyes and shook her head. Gritting her teeth she asked the other nun, "Well I do hope you got a better part of the dog than me!"

[Svengoolie 3]

How do you rob an Alabaman's house without getting shot?  Climb in thru a window backwards and the family living there will think you're leaving.

What has 12 toes and flies? A typical alabaman.

[ER]

How do you rob an Alabaman's house without getting shot?  Climb in thru a window backwards and the family living there will think you're leaving.

What has 12 toes and flies? A typical alabaman.

On behalf of my cousins: f**k you.

[Svengoolie 3]

I have standards.

[indianasmith]

Four teams of international scientists were offered the chance to compete for a prestigious scholarly award.  The foundation offered $100,000 to whichever team could write the best, most definitive work on the African Elephant.

The German team worked for a year, and published a 1500 page tome, lavishly illustrated with technical drawings, entitled: "A Schematic Study  of the Internal and External Organs and Workings of the African Elephant."

The French team published a beautiful, red-bound coffee table book, illustrated with explicit watercolor paintings, entitle: "The Love Life of the African Elephant."

The American Team published a photographically illustrated, cross-indexed tabloid style book entitled: "101 Ways to Make Money With the African Elephant."

The Arab team published a small black political tract with flowing Arabic script in gold on the cover, entitled:  "The Elephant and the Palestinian Problem."

[Trevor]

Four teams of international scientists were offered the chance to compete for a prestigious scholarly award.  The foundation offered $100,000 to whichever team could write the best, most definitive work on the African Elephant.

The German team worked for a year, and published a 1500 page tome, lavishly illustrated with technical drawings, entitled: "A Schematic Study  of the Internal and External Organs and Workings of the African Elephant."

The French team published a beautiful, red-bound coffee table book, illustrated with explicit watercolor paintings, entitle: "The Love Life of the African Elephant."

The American Team published a photographically illustrated, cross-indexed tabloid style book entitled: "101 Ways to Make Money With the African Elephant."

The Arab team published a small black political tract with flowing Arabic script in gold on the cover, entitled:  "The Elephant and the Palestinian Problem."

The South Africans published a book - me as editor - entitled How Not To p**s Off An Elephant 

[Svengoolie 3]

Four teams of international scientists were offered the chance to compete for a prestigious scholarly award.  The foundation offered $100,000 to whichever team could write the best, most definitive work on the African Elephant.

The German team worked for a year, and published a 1500 page tome, lavishly illustrated with technical drawings, entitled: "A Schematic Study  of the Internal and External Organs and Workings of the African Elephant."

The French team published a beautiful, red-bound coffee table book, illustrated with explicit watercolor paintings, entitle: "The Love Life of the African Elephant."

The American Team published a photographically illustrated, cross-indexed tabloid style book entitled: "101 Ways to Make Money With the African Elephant."

The Arab team published a small black political tract with flowing Arabic script in gold on the cover, entitled:  "The Elephant and the Palestinian Problem."