The truly terrible joke thread

[Trevor]

A guy bought a ticket to the zoo.  He headed to the monkey cages first, but when he got there they were empty.  Then he headed to the reptile house, but it didn't have any reptiles in it either.  He looked around but there were no giraffes, no hippos, no alligators, no zebras, no nothing.  The only animal he could find it the whole zoo was a dog.  

It was a sh*tzu.




(sorry if the board censor messes up the punchline a little.)

[zombie no.one]

A Jesuit priest and a nun visited the local Indian tribe one day in order to get a better picture of their culture.  There were 5 chiefs sitting in a circle, each with a head dress adorned with 100 more feathers than the last.

The nun asks the first chief: "Why do you have 100 feathers in your bonnet"?
The chief replies " Me have 'em sex with 100 women in village, rock their world good!"

A bit taken back, the nun moves on to the other chiefs in succession, with 200, 300, and 400 feathers, and gets the same answer. Totally shocked at this point, she goes to the Big Chief with 500 feathers, and asks the same question.

"Me have 'em sex with 500 women in village, that's why me the Big Chief"! he says.

"Oh dear!" says the nun.

"No deer!" says the Big Chief. "Teeth too sharp, ass too high"!

really?

even in a thread titled 'truly terrible joke thread' this one is substandard...I think that's the winner 

[indianasmith]

Quasimodo died after 50 years of ringing bells at Notre Dame cathedral.  The bishop held a try-out for the position, but none of the wannabe bell-ringers were anywhere nearly as good as Quasimodo had been.  Finally, one man stepped up to the head of the line and said "Your grace, I would like to be your new bell ringer!"

  The bishop said: "My son, that is not possible, you have no arms!"

  The man said "Just watch me!" and ran up the stairwell to the belfry and began smacking the bells with his face.  To the bishop's astonishment, the tone was beautiful, clear, and pure, and the man had an incredible sense of timing.

The bishop was about to tell him he was hired, when the armless man leaned out a bit too far, overbalanced, and fell to his death on the cathedral steps below.  The Bishop rushed down to find a crowd gathered.

   "Who was he, your grace?" one man asked.

   "I don't know his name," the Bishop replied, "But his face sure rings a bell!"




Wait . . . it's not over:

A week later another man showed up and asked to see the Bishop.

He explained: "The armless man who tried to be your new bell ringer was my brother.  I feel it is my family duty to try and take his place."

   "Your brother was very talented," the Bishop replied.  "Can you do as well as he did?"

  "Watch!" the man said, and ran up the stairs to the belfry.  He began ringing the bells one after another, using just the right amount of strength on the ropes to make the most beautiful tones imaginable.  The Bishop was about to tell him he was hired when the man tugged too hard on one of the ropes, which snapped, sending him too plummeting to his death.

  Again the bishop hurried down the stairwell.

  Someone in the crowd asked: "Who was it this time, your grace?"

  "I don't know his name," the Bishop replied, "But he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

[ER]

Why can't elephants go skinny dipping?

They can't get their trunks off.

[Javakoala]

Question: How many lonely people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Only one. <sigh>

[Allhallowsday]

Question: How many lonely people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Only one. <sigh>

How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Two. 
One to do it. 
One not to. 

[Javakoala]

Question: How many lonely people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Only one. <sigh>

How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Two. 
One to do it. 
One not to. 

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

[Umaril Has Returned]

A Jesuit priest and a nun visited the local Indian tribe one day in order to get a better picture of their culture.  There were 5 chiefs sitting in a circle, each with a head dress adorned with 100 more feathers than the last.

The nun asks the first chief: "Why do you have 100 feathers in your bonnet"?
The chief replies " Me have 'em sex with 100 women in village, rock their world good!"

A bit taken back, the nun moves on to the other chiefs in succession, with 200, 300, and 400 feathers, and gets the same answer. Totally shocked at this point, she goes to the Big Chief with 500 feathers, and asks the same question.

"Me have 'em sex with 500 women in village, that's why me the Big Chief"! he says.

"Oh dear!" says the nun.

"No deer!" says the Big Chief. "Teeth too sharp, ass too high"!

really?

even in a thread titled 'truly terrible joke thread' this one is substandard...I think that's the winner 

Yeah, yeah....

OK then, Mr. Joke Critic, how about this one.  A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop and says to the waiter, "make me one with everything"!   

[ER]

When ducks fly in a "V" shape, why is one end always longer than the other?

Because there are more ducks on that side.

[Javakoala]

When ducks fly in a "V" shape, why is one end always longer than the other?

Because there are more ducks on that side.

Oh, man, that joke quacked me up. 

[ER]

Why did the toaster salute the stove?

Because the stove was General Electric.

[alandhopewell]

     A scientist perfected the process of cloning, and decided to use himself as the subject. The experiment was a success, with one hitch-the clone was insane, and escaped, running down the street, cussing at everyone. The scientist gave chase, and caught up with the clone atop a five story building. The two of them grappled for hours, until, with a mighty shove, the scientist pushed the clone over the edge, where it plummeted to its death.

     The poilce rushed out onto the roof, and took the scientist into custody.
"Am I being arrested for murder?" asked the scientist. "No", said the arresting officer,
"for making an obscene clone fall."

[Umaril Has Returned]

An old Jewish man bought a lottery ticket.   When the drawing came, the man won 10 million dollars.  When he went on TV, he said:

"I'd like to thank Adolf Hitler and the Nazis for giving me this opportunity".

The newswoman, shocked at his response, said,  "Why in the world would you thank the Nazis?"  The old man raised his forearm and said, "they gave me the winning number!"

[Javakoala]

An old Jewish man bought a lottery ticket.   When the drawing came, the man won 10 million dollars.  When he went on TV, he said:

"I'd like to thank Adolf Hitler and the Nazis for giving me this opportunity".

The newswoman, shocked at his response, said,  "Why in the world would you thank the Nazis?"  The old man raised his forearm and said, "they gave me the winning number!"

Ouch.

[Derf]

OK then, Mr. Joke Critic, how about this one.  A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop and says to the waiter, "make me one with everything"!   

And the sequel joke: The Buddhist pays for his pizza with a fifty-dollar bill, and the waiter pockets it. The Buddhist asks for change. The waiter replies, "Change comes from within."