The truly terrible joke thread

[Silverlady]

How do you get Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it!

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro cinco

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck

[Mr. DS]

Not for the faint of heart or the easily offended;

A man from India moves to the States to start a new life.  Things go well for a month but all of a sudden he starts to get ill for no reason.  He goes to several doctors who have no clue what is ailing him. 

Finally one day he ends up in an office of a doctor from his homeland.  The doctor knows immediately what is wrong with him.  He tells the man to go into the bathroom, sh!t in the toilet, take a leak on top of it and to cap it off puke.  He is instructed not to flush it and to turn the personal heater in the room to 110 degrees.  Although the man finds this odd, he decides to do it.  Sure enough after spending a half hour in the room he starts to feel better.  Elated he thanks and asks to doctor what was wrong with him.

The doctor tells him he was only homesick. 

[Umaril The Unfeathered]

During a routine appendectomy, a man accidentally has both his testicles removed!

So, he went to his urologist to see what could be done to cosmetically correct his appearance, as well as the effect upon his performance.

The doctor offers to graft a pair of onions onto his scrotum. They're about the same size, and noone would know the difference. 

After going to see his doctor 2 weeks after the graft, he doctor gets a mixed report:

"Doc, they look great and all, and I can't tell the difference, but there's a problem."

"What?" said the doctor.

"Well, everytime I take a p!ss, my eyes start burning,  every time my wife gives me a BJ she gets heartburn, and everytime I pass a hanburger stand, I get a raging hard-on!"

[BoyScoutKevin]

Visit Flam (Norway) and its sister city Flim for a double dose of Flim Flam.

Visit the Dingle Penisula (Ireland,) and you'll receive a dinner of Irish specialities. There be . . .

potato soup, potato salad, a large baked potato w/ a side order of hash browns, potato flour bread, and for dessert sweet potato pie.

Visit the Chateau de Rochecotte in the Loire Valley (France.) Once the home of Prince Tallyrand, called Tally-ho by his friends, but not to his face, and the Duchess of Dino. You can tell she was one for the dogs. "Down, Dino! Down!"

Visit the Chateau de Champchevrier and meet its owner Le Baron. They call him that to distinguishe him from his two older brothers Le Duc de Earl and Le Earl de Duc.

Visit the Alps. The Austrian Alps. The German Alps. The Italian Alps. The Swiss Alps. Actually, there is only one Alp. They have just become very proficient at taking it down at night and putting it up somewhere else in the morning.

Visit Hagia Sophia in Istanbul (Turkey.) For 1000 years the biggest Christian church in the world. Till they built a bigger one in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the liars.

[Umaril The Unfeathered]

Visit Hagia Sophia in Istanbul (Turkey.) For 1000 years the biggest Christian church in the world. Till they built a bigger one in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the liars.

Liars. Hmm...

Seems they made a pretty good liar in Arkansas when Mr. Clinton said he didn't have sex with that woman....but that was OK, all of Clinton's female interns became finacially independent serving under Clinton, not to mention the wad of bill's they found in their dress pockets for their services.

[Raffine]

Visit Hagia Sophia in Istanbul (Turkey.) For 1000 years the biggest Christian church in the world. Till they built a bigger one in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the liars.

Liars. Hmm...

Seems they made a pretty good liar in Arkansas when Mr. Clinton said he didn't have sex with that woman....but that was OK, all of Clinton's female interns became finacially independent serving under Clinton, not to mention the wad of bill's they found in their dress pockets for their services.

I don't get it... 

[Allhallowsday]

Visit Hagia Sophia in Istanbul (Turkey.) For 1000 years the biggest Christian church in the world. Till they built a bigger one in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the liars.

Liars. Hmm...
Seems they made a pretty good liar in Arkansas when Mr. Clinton said he didn't have sex with that woman....but that was OK, all of Clinton's female interns became finacially independent serving under Clinton, not to mention the wad of bill's they found in their dress pockets for their services.

I don't get it...  

Don't encourage him.


A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender says: "Why the long face?"  

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Hey, why the long face..."...

Seems I've heard that one before...

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Why is there a gate around the cemetary?  Because so many people are dying to get in... 

Well it was so good it deserved to be told again.

[Leah]

a man is on trial for assalting two peanuts
What do you call a stingray that doesn't sting? Ray
so an elephant and a horse are at a bar. the horse orders a martini and the elephant orders a banshee. the horse then tells the elephant that they're not playing the 12 hour non-stop Halo contest.

[Allhallowsday]

What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant's fart??   

One is a bar room.  The other is a BARROOM!!

[Leah]

why was the doctor frusterated at the donkey? he was a pain in the ass

[Mr. DS]

A blonde goes to the doctor with both her ears burnt.  The doctor asks her what happened.  She replies with, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang.  I mistook the iron for the phone and burnt me left ear".  The doctor then asks what happened to her right ear.  She replies with, "the sonofab!tch called back". 

[Sleepyskull]

How does a cannibal dump his girlfriend?

He flushes the toilet.

[Umaril The Unfeathered]

Visit Hagia Sophia in Istanbul (Turkey.) For 1000 years the biggest Christian church in the world. Till they built a bigger one in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the liars.

Liars. Hmm...
Seems they made a pretty good liar in Arkansas when Mr. Clinton said he didn't have sex with that woman....but that was OK, all of Clinton's female interns became finacially independent serving under Clinton, not to mention the wad of bill's they found in their dress pockets for their services.

I don't get it...  

Don't encourage him.

Aww, c'mon, it was just a reminder 

A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender says: "Why the long face?"  

That's nuthin' man-I once had a dream that I ate the biggest marshmallow in the world, and when I woke up, my pillow was gone!    Peace 

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Hey, why the long face..."...

Seems I've heard that one before...

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Why is there a gate around the cemetary?  Because so many people are dying to get in... 

Well it was so good it deserved to be told again.

One time a female missionary went to an Indian tribe to try to gain converts.

She sees one chieftain with 100 feathers on his headdress. When she asks what it means, he smiles says "300 Indian women; f**K em' good,  s**k em' good!"

She looks at the chief and goes, "Oh dear!"  The chief replies "No, no deer, teeth too sharp, and ass too high!" 

C'mon folks, this is the terrible joke thread, right?       

[Olivia Bauer]

Random guy: "Hey Horatio Kane! KNOCK KNOCK!"
Kane: "Who's there?"
Random guy: "THE!!"
*Kane puts on sun glasses*
Kane: "The Who?"
The Who: "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!"

[Leah]

what does a dentist, a miner, and a carpenter have in common? They're all drilling for something sweet.
What's the difference between a bull and a blond?
the Blond doesn't know who to charge at men.

What happens to a crushed grape? Nothing, it only lets out a little whine. (Say it out if you need to)