The truly terrible joke thread

[Derf]

Q: What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield?

A: It's butt.


Did you hear about the blonde terrorist? She tried to blow up a bus, but she burned her lips on the tailpipe.


Shotgun wedding: A wife or death situation.

[WilliamWeird1313]

The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.

The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy.

The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."



...

Ugh.

[Silverlady]

What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat?  Polly unsaturated

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan

[Ed, Ego and Superego]

1) Once a fellow was gardening and could not get his tulips to grow.  He asked his friend how he grew his.  His freind said "Just get some small mammals, puree them in the blender with sugar and use it as fertilizer".  The man was shocked. "Really?" "Yes" Said his friend "Tulips always grow in Hamster Jam."

2) A guy was out jogging and saw a man walking his dog.  At the corner they both stopped and the dog started to lick his parts.   The jogger sn****red and said "Some days I wish I could do that." The dog owner replied "You probably could, but you might want to pet him first."

#2 is my favorite joke ever.

[Cthulhu]

Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, Catch up.

[Leah]

two cranes walk up to a receptionist. The receptionist asks for their body build, and the two cranes reply that they're cranes. The receptionist has a blank stare, and ask which company are you branded with, Caterpillar, Case, etc?

[zombie no.one]

Two blondes go out shopping and one buys a mirror. As they're walking home she stares at it curiously and says to her friend "Hey, the woman in this picture really looks familiar, I'm sure I recognize her", so her friend grabs it off her takes one look and goes "of course you recognize her... it's me, you idiot".

[indianasmith]

A rabbit and a bear are taking a dump side by side in the forest.

The bear looked down at the rabbit and said, "Say there little fellow, do you ever have any problem with s*** sticking to your fur?"

The innocent little rabbit looked up, wide-eyed, and said,
"Why no, Mr. Bear!"

So the bear picked him up and wiped with him.

[Mr. DS]

What do a tin roof and a housewife have in common?

If you don't nail them correctly they'll end up at your neighbor's front door. 

[Joe the Destroyer]

What do Traci Lords and a giant turtle have in common?
When they're both on their back, they're screwed.

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Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? 
He only comes once a year, and it's down a chimney.

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Hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta way.

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What's the lightest thing in the world?
A penis.  Even a thought can lift it.

[Trevor]

A rabbit and a bear are taking a dump side by side in the forest.

The bear looked down at the rabbit and said, "Say there little fellow, do you ever have any problem with s*** sticking to your fur?"

The innocent little rabbit looked up, wide-eyed, and said,
"Why no, Mr. Bear!"

So the bear picked him up and wiped with him.

[indianasmith]

I think that is my favorite joke of all time.

[Silverlady]

What do call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick

[indianasmith]

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?



"CHANGE???!!!???"


How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

"SO WHAT ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO SAY???"

[zombie no.one]

did you hear about the two headless men who had a race?

it was neck and neck