THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[retrorussell]

Roses are blue
Violets are red
I like to shoot heroin
right into my head

Hellcats!

[Rev. Powell]

Roses are blue
Violets are red
I like to shoot heroin
right into my head

What's that from?

EDIT: I missed Ret's response above.

From ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE:

Guy (reading newspaper out loud in disbelieving tone): "Two teens overdose on angel dust?!"
Mike: "What's up with Mark Trail?"

(Adam West appears onscreen)
MIKE: "Aren't you Adam West from LADY CHATTERLY'S LOVER 2?"

(The dead rise from their graves)
MIKE: "This isn't a very effective cemetery!"
CROW: "They need heavier dirt."

[lester1/2jr]

darn benadictine monks under the floorboards -Space Mutiny

[retrorussell]

Guy (reading newspaper out loud in disbelieving tone): "Two teens overdose on angel dust?!"
Mike: "What's up with Mark Trail?"

[AndyC]

From Mitchell:
"Man I'm so hungry. Two steaks for dinner, didn't get to finish my orange and all the frozen yogurt places were closed. Big buttery moon up there and the sidewalk kinda looks like ice cream if you squint hard."

Sidehackers:
The running gag with Rommel - "I read your book, you magnificent bastard."

Posture Pals:
"A playground where apes evolved from men?"

Pod People:
"McCloud!"

Agent for HARM:
"Damn you, Shel Silverstein!"

Amazing Colossal Man:
"I'm huge now. Don't smoke."

Prince of Space:
"My baby sun hat and smock with protect me."

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank:
"I wouldn't want to bungle or bobble the Fingal doppel."

[feiyen]

Prince of Space

[family discuss mission to space in dining room]
Mother: The first cosmic exploration rocket will be launched from this base.
Crow: ...the dining room?

Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking!
Crow: Crank whore?

Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message!
Servo: Veterans cannot be turned down!

Tom (As dog): Rufforu! Bow-a-wow!
[A police car drives past in the same direction]
Mike: After that dog!

[retrorussell]

More Creeping Terror:

(woman living on plain dirt road hangs up laundry outside plain house)
Mike: Meanwhile, in a Kurosawa film..

Narrator: This man's name is Martin Gordon.  The lovely girl beside him is Brett, his bride of two wonderful weeks.
Mike (as narrator): They have everything, I have nothing!

(The alien constantly bends over as it moves)
Mike: Ohayo.  Ohayo Gozaimasu.  Ohayo.

(Army soldier stands very close to spaceship, standing guard)
Crow (as soldier): I love you, spaceship.

(Soldier shines flashlight on alien inside spaceship as it roars)
Mike: Please.. just five more minutes, mom..

(Brett's hand moves awkwardly just off camera, towards Martin's pelvic region)
Servo: What's she doing?
Mike (as Brett): Now cough, honey.

Martin (to friend Barney): Barney, you should try marriage.  It'd do wonders for you.
Crow (as Barney): My answer is.. yes, Martin, yes!!!

(Alien crawls by as it's obvious people are moving inside the alien costume)
Mike: Man, it's hot in here!
Crow: Hey Phil, which way you goin'?
Servo: Everybody fine back there?
Crow: Yup!

(Bored kid swings a stick around like a whip)
Servo: Bobby has often observed his parents at night..

(During a hootenanny with a folk singer playing guitar, a couple get up and head to the woods to make out, as the "crowd" waves goodbye to them)
Mike: Send help!

(Folk singer hits creature with guitar)
Mike: He's finally putting his guitar to good use!

Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lover's Lane.
Mike: To a sold-out crowd!

(While digesting 2 people in their car, the creature bumps up against the car)
Crow: Uh.. Mike?
Mike: You see, when a monster and a car love each other very much...

[AndyC]

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank:

British guy: "You'll take what you can get."
Fingal: "What can I get, then?"
Crow: "Bollocks!"

(establishing shot of Nirvana)
"Come as you are, to my mall, to my atrium..."


The Movie:

(Russell Johnson approaches to discuss something)
Mike: "What's this 'and the rest' crap?"

(Mutant is struck repeatedly on its huge exposed brain)
Crow: "Ow, I'm very vulnerable there. Ow, there go the piano lessons. Ow, I can't remember my dad."

"Everyone picks on that one weak spot in my exoskeleton"

"Hey, nice slacks."

"Are you boys cooking in there? No! Are you building an interociter? No!"

(Cal holds up Geiger counter after interociter self-destructs)
Mike: "Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners?"

"The secret government Eggo project."

"My waffle! Oh, the humanity!"

[Rev. Powell]

More Creeping Terror:

(woman living on plain dirt road hangs up laundry outside plain house)
Mike: Meanwhile, in a Kurosawa film..

Narrator: This man's name is Martin Gordon.  The lovely girl beside him is Brett, his bride of two wonderful weeks.
Mike (as narrator): They have everything, I have nothing!

(The alien constantly bends over as it moves)
Mike: Ohayo.  Ohayo Gozaimasu.  Ohayo.

(Army soldier stands very close to spaceship, standing guard)
Crow (as soldier): I love you, spaceship.

(Soldier shines flashlight on alien inside spaceship as it roars)
Mike: Please.. just five more minutes, mom..

(Brett's hand moves awkwardly just off camera, towards Martin's pelvic region)
Servo: What's she doing?
Mike (as Brett): Now cough, honey.

Martin (to friend Barney): Barney, you should try marriage.  It'd do wonders for you.
Crow (as Barney): My answer is.. yes, Martin, yes!!!

(Alien crawls by as it's obvious people are moving inside the alien costume)
Mike: Man, it's hot in here!
Crow: Hey Phil, which way you goin'?
Servo: Everybody fine back there?
Crow: Yup!

(Bored kid swings a stick around like a whip)
Servo: Bobby has often observed his parents at night..

(During a hootenanny with a folk singer playing guitar, a couple get up and head to the woods to make out, as the "crowd" waves goodbye to them)
Mike: Send help!

(Folk singer hits creature with guitar)
Mike: He's finally putting his guitar to good use!

Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lover's Lane.
Mike: To a sold-out crowd!

(While digesting 2 people in their car, the creature bumps up against the car)
Crow: Uh.. Mike?
Mike: You see, when a monster and a car love each other very much...

One more CREEPING TERROR...

(The last victim is slowly crawling away from the Terror):

MIKE: I think I hit on something.  Stay away from his mouth!  Don't crawl inside him! 

[AndyC]

The Brain that Wouldn't Die

"I can't make lasagna tonight because you've got the pan!"

Servo's Batman narration: ""What's this? Our fanatical physician and his fickle fiance speeding to their country cottage?"

"You're listening to K-PORN."

Crow (during the beauty contest): "Miss Chestular Region."

"Aaaagh! I'm in another dimension!"

[retrorussell]

A Young Man's Fancy:

(Mom reads letter from her son)
Mom: He wrote to say he's bringing a friend with him.
Daughter: What did he say?  About the friend I mean.  Is he tall, dark and handsome I hope?
Servo (as daughter): Tee hee!  I'm horny!

(Daughter puts milk in refrigerator)
Servo (as daughter): Here you go, Daddy!
Mike (as dad, inside fridge): Thanks kitten!

[Rev. Powell]

I see nobody's done STARFIGHTERS yet.

Too many refueling jokes to mention.

MIKE: "Is your face odd? Misshapen?  Join the Air Force!"

CROW: "All right men, poop!"

TOM: "So, according the themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leatherfaced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women?"

[AndyC]

I Was a Teenage Werewolf

Servo: "You are NOT drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's, young man, you just aren't old enough!"

Detective Donovan (answering phone): "Donovan, yeah."
Mike: "I'm just mad about saffron, right."

"Nylabone, son?"

"But I thought it was all right if I pick a little fight, Bonanza"

"Watch out! He's packing half and half!"

[retrorussell]

The Crawling Eye:

(2 mountaineers uncover a corpse)
Mountaineer: His head! ... It was torn off!
Servo: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Joel: What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?

Mad Monster:

Prof. Fitzgerald: [viewing Cameron's lab] You seem to be excellently equipped.
Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers.

The Crawling Hand:

[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a geiger counter.]
Dr. Weitzberg: Not a trace. Not a solitary trace.
Joel: Must be a talent meter.

Wild Rebels:

[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]
Joel: Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm.
Servo: If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.
Crow: Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an ipecac.
Joel: An epa— oh, that Genesis album?

Time Of The Apes:

[An Ape military officer gathers the troops.]
Crow [as Officer]: About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap!

Home Economics Story:

[High school girls attend an assembly. A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]
Matronly Woman: Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well.
Servo [as Matronly Woman]: ...and why I'm being fired.

Junior Rodeo Daredevils:

[The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]
Narrator: Junior Rodeo Daredevils.
Joel [as Narrator]: Smothered in gravy — Texas style!

Narrator: Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day.
Joel [as Narrator]: All nine of 'em.

The Killer Shrews:

[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]
Crow [as Announcer]: Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins!

[Trevor]

The Crawling Eye:
(2 mountaineers uncover a corpse)
Mountaineer: His head! ... It was torn off!
Servo: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Karma for that: you've finally cleared up the mystery for me of what the kids were watching in Adventures In Babysitting when Elizabeth Shue walks into the room. 

The Killer Shrews:
[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]
Crow [as Announcer]: Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins!

Sorry Joan, I love you, I always will but