Frogs B-Movie Review

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FROGS -

Rated PG

Reviewed by InformationGeek on 13 December 2009

The Characters:

Jason Crockett - Ray Milland! He is some billionaire who pollutes the local swampland around him (I wonder what Captain Planet would say to him) because he doesn't like the wildlife. He is an idiot who doesn't know when to call it quits. He dies from a heart attack caused by fear of the frogs, I guess.
Pickett Smith - Sam Elliot! He's a freelance photographer snooping around Jason's island. He is a bit of an environmentalist. All snakes, beware of his power with a canoe paddle!
Karen Crockett - Joan Van Ark! She is Jason's granddaughter and Clint's sister. She seems to be in love Pickett. At least she has some good taste in men, unlike her sister-in-law.
Clint Crockett - I don't want this guy driving a speedboat in the same area I would be canoeing in. He is killed...by a snake? He got pretty bloodied up for getting bitten by a snake.
Jenny Crockett - Clint's wife. She is pretty and so could do much better than Clint! I'm not sure about this one, was she killed by a snapping turtle?
Bella Garrington - She's married to Kenneth Martindale. I have no clue if she was killed or just chased out of the area by seagulls.
Charles - He is the butler for the mansion. He does the logical thing and decides to leave when people start dying. I'm not sure if he was killed or just chased out of the area by seagulls.
Michael Martindale - He doesn't like Clint. Who can blame him? I don't get how he died. Did the spiders constrict him to death with their webs, did he die from a heart attack, or spider bites?
Kenneth Martindale - He likes taking pictures of his wife, Bella. He dies from suffocation when the lizards close the door to the greenhouse and knock over some jars that release toxic fumes.
Stuart Martindale - He's married to Iris. A couple of alligators decide to eat him.
Iris Martindale - She's a butterfly collector. She ends up chasing a butterfly and it ends up leading her to her death. How ironic.
Frogs - I really hate frogs after this movie. They seem like the leaders of the animal rebellions going on, and seem to edge every animal in the area to attack the humans. There are two things that I hate a lot about these frogs. Number one: they only kill one person and that scene is very lame at best. Number two: a good chuck of the frogs that we see in this film are, in reality, just toads.
Spiders, Snakes, Alligators, Snapping Turtles, Sea Gulls and Large Lizards - Interestingly enough, I find that most of these animals aren't even native to the area where the film is going on. They kill almost everyone in the film, in some of the craziest death scenes that I have ever seen. Even a snapping turtle is able to kill someone. Yeah, you don't even need to see that death to know it is stupid.

The Plot:

No, you are not mistaken. This is a, I use this term loosely, "horror movie." I couldn't believe that this film was put into DVD form. This is the type of film you would assume would have been lost forever in the endless sea of animal horror movies. However, this is not the case since I have this DVD in my possession. So, let me talk about the personal pain I endured as I watched this film.

The film opens up with Pickett Smith canoeing through a swamp, taking some wild life photos and a couple of shots of the pollution the area; it also doubles as our opening credits. It is exciting as it sounds. Anyhow, these two morons, Karen and Clint Crockett, show up in a speedboat and capsize our photographer. Trying to act nice, the two pick up Pickett and take them over to Jason Crockett's house that they are currently staying at.

Also, at this point, I like to say that I am 10 minutes in and I am already sick of seeing frogs and hearing them croak. It's like Jungle Hell, but with frogs.

So, Pickett meets the family and Jason interrogates him to find out what he is doing around these parts. Karen pulls him away and brings him into the house so he can change his wet clothes. There, Pickett calls his editor to tell him what is going on, and wouldn't you know it, the phone lines are dead! Did frogs cut the lines? I don't know, and I really don't care. Karen introduces Pickett to the rest of the family, and we get some boring dialogue scenes as well. Exciting! When will these frogs kill someone already and make this plot interesting?

Moving along, everyone is outside having a picnic as Jason interrogates Pickett some more. Jason reveals that frogs have been overpopulating the area (no kidding) and Jason is trying to get rid of them using pollution. Why is he telling this to an environmentalist? He then asks Pickett to look for his friend Grover, who is missing in action. Pickett agrees and heads out. So he walks around the local area and finds a can of pesticide spray lying around with tons of deal animals as well. He keeps searching around and finds Grover, dead, lying face first in the ground with snakes and frogs crawling all over him. I find it interesting that the guy's skin is decaying rather quickly, despite dying less than 24 hours ago.

Pickett drives back to house during the daylight hours, even though in the last scene it was clearly night time! The scene changes again back to night, and the family is hanging around in the living room talking about how annoying the frogs are. Pickett shows up and reports his discovery to Jason, who tells him to keep it quiet since he and his family are celebrating a couple of their birthdays and the Fourth of July tomorrow. Meanwhile, the maid discovers a snake of some sort hanging from the chandelier. I don't know how a snake can end up in that chandelier personally, since it would need to first get inside the house, crawl into the dinning room, crawl up the wall, slither cross the ceiling, and climb down the chain which the chandelier was hanging from. So, Jason comes in, shoots the snake, and has Charles remove it. Yeah, I'm still bored, but I must continue forward.

Pickett believes nature is attacking them on purpose and tries to persuade Jason that he and his family may be in trouble. Of course, he doesn't believe it and blows him off. The next day is Jason Crockett's birthday and the Fourth of July, so everyone begins setting up for the celebration. During the day, Michael goes out hunting and ends up shooting himself in the leg at one point. That's what he gets for not holding his shotgun the right way while running. Then these spiders, that are certainly not native to this area, somehow quickly wrap him up in a large web and he, for some reason, dies. The reason he died is not very clear and your guess is as good as mine if you have seen the scene.

Next, Iris Martindale chases after a butterfly and ends up being attacked from all around by snakes, and dies of a snake bite. The snake is clearly not from the area as well. Kenneth gets killed as well. He is inside this greenhouse and a bunch of...komodo dragons(?), geckos, and big lizards knock over a toxic liquid, that for some reason turns into gas, that suffocates him to death. Then Stuart gets killed by some alligators while looking for Iris. Just to stop for a second, the title says "Frogs" and shows on the cover of the DVD a hand inside of a frog's mouth. Well, no one has been eaten by a frog yet, much less killed. Are you angry yet, like me?

Jason wants to go through with the birthday party, despite everyone getting killed all around. Maybelle, Charles, and Bella decide to leave the island for good with Clint driving them back to the mainland with his speedboat. I'm not sure if they survive or not, but I just assume that they were chased out of the area by seagulls and they dropped their suitcases along the way. Somehow, when Clint had tied up the speedboat to the dock, the boat drifted away from the dock. He goes swimming for it and ends up dying because of a snake bite? There was a lot of blood to suggest otherwise, but I assume that since I saw a bunch of snakes slithering towards him in the water. Then when his wife, Karen, goes to help him, she gets killed by a snapping turtle. This is really… really stupid. Yet again, the frogs haven't killed anyone. ARGH!

This is where the survivors draw the line. Pickett, Karen, and Clint & Jenny's kids decide to leave the island on Pickett's canoe, with the idiot Jason staying behind. As they leave, the animals decide to attack them. I don't know why they care; the people are leaving the area and are never planning on coming back, so there is no point in killing them. Then a car comes along and picks them up, taking them away from the area. Back at the house later that night, the frogs break in through a window (those things are pretty strong), and start an insane amount of croaking. I think then Jason ends up dying from a heart attack during this scene. So, at the very least, the heart attack could have been brought on by the frogs, so in some sense they could have killed someone.

This movie...I cannot believe it...is far worse than Jaws: The Revenge. At least that movie had somewhat of an interesting plot. This one bored me to death, drove me insane by all the frogs, had the worst soundtrack I ever heard, and had some of the dumbest and worst death scenes I have ever seen. If you want to see a movie about killer frogs that only kill one person, while other animals kills everyone else, have fun with this! If you don't, I wouldn't blame you. One last thing, most of those so-called frogs in the movie are really just toads. I repeat: ARGH!

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Frogs can lead rebellions against people.
Frogs can break through glass windows.
People can still breathe after they die.
Snakes can crawl up walls and across ceilings.
Two spiders can seemingly wrap an entire body up in webs in a matter of seconds.
People turn pale immediately after dying.
Blood looks like paint.
Frogs have psychic powers.
Snapping turtles can kill a full grown human.
Frogs can cause people to have heart attacks.
Spider webbing looks strangely like moss.

Stuff To Watch For:

1 min – Is that lizard even native to this area?
5 mins – Wait a minute. How does he not hear that speed boat?
9 mins – Random footage of frogs. It's like God is sending another plague of frogs.
16 mins – More frog footage. Make them kill someone, or don't show me anymore frogs!
17 mins – What? That other kid is a girl? It looks like a boy in a skirt.
22 mins – Despite being dead, he is still breathing.
23 mins – Again, random footage of frogs.
27 mins– How did that snake get in the house?
33 mins– It's dark again, despite being daylight in the last scene.
42 mins– There is no way that rattlesnake is native to this area.
47 mins– I really hate frogs.
55 mins– There goes a perfectly good cake. I care more about the cake than I do the actors at this point.
64 mins– You: either kill someone or get lost!
74 mins– Darn it! If a snapping turtle can kill someone, why won't you?!!
79 mins– I really hate all of this frog footage.
85 mins - RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A WINDOW!
88 mins– AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!! WILL YOU FROGS SHUT UP??!!!
Closing Credits – What? No director? I want to know the name of the man who caused me to go insane because of frogs!

Quotes:

Pickett Smith: (Looking at Kenneth, dead on the ground in the greenhouse) "Is there a place where we can put him?"
Charles: "Yes sir, I'll show you."
Karen Crockett: (After hearing some fireworks go off) "Something tells me the Fourth of July is here."
Clint Crockett: "Or the Martians have landed."

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	frogs1.wav	Jason Crockett: "Well see, I have an impatient family. They can't wait until next year. How can they get rid of the frogs now?" Clint: "Seems like everyone in our family is hung up on frogs." Karen: "They really do keep us awake every night."
	frogs2.wav	Jason Crockett: "And with all our technology and all my money, we still can't get rid of these frogs. Interesting, isn't it?"
	frogs3.wav	Karen: "Oh Grandpa, that's awful. You make us sound like the worst of the ugly rich." Jason: "We are the ugly rich." Iris: "We're entitled to be ugly, Karen. God knows we pay enough taxes."
	frogs4.wav	Jason Crockett: "I don't think there's much to worry about. I'm sure I can get the State to spray some pesticides." Pickett: "Yes sir, I'm sure you can, and you'd kill a hell of a lot of other things, too." Jason Crockett: "Mr. Smith, that is where you and I part company. I still believe Man is master of the world." Pickett Smith: "Does that mean he can't live in harmony with the rest of it?" Jason Crockett: "You call that horrible racket out there harmonious?" Pickett Smith: "Mr. Crockett, I know it sounds strange as hell, but what if nature were trying to get back at us?"