|POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD
|Copyright 2006 Poultry Productions LLC
| Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 27 July 2009
- Arbie - Immature jerkwad, and I would say that even if I had not been subjected to him wearing a thong under a skirt, performing coitus with a cash register, and making at least seven too many references to a butt plug. Jerkwad.
- Wendy - If I was ever going to lose a girlfriend to a militant vegetarian lesbian, it would be her.
- Old Arbie - Lloyd Kaufman! Want to know who to blame for this disgusting film? This guy. Not only that, but Lloyd insisted on wearing a skirt and thong. I never thought that I would see that much of Lloyd, and don't want it to happen again. Ever. Ever, ever.
- Denny - He wears a beret, a Boy Scout shirt with USMC Private First Class chevrons on the sleeves, and a look of complete disbelief, for most of the movie.
- Carl Jr. - A hairy redneck with pierced nipples and a white a**. Why do I know that? Because Lloyd Kaufman thought that I should. Thanks, Lloyd. Thanks a lot.
- Humus - She is Muslim, and this is a Troma film. Prepare yourself for tasteless "Hamas" and "Jihad" wordplay. She dies at least twice. I don't know how; whoever wrote the script probably does not know how, but it still happens. Deal with it.
- Paco Bell - A gay Hispanic man who ends up as a talking sloppy joe sandwich.
- Micki - Oh look, it's an angry militant lesbian with more tendons showing than Linda Hamilton on crack.
- General Lee Roy - He is always happy, except when his nationwide franchise is laying an egg and he is turning into the Philly Fanatic's evil cousin.
- The Chicken Undead - Vein-covered eggs, reanimated poultry, and hungry customers who turn into feathery zombies possessed by evil Indian spirits. Most of them die during the kegger (yes, I promise to explain).
|Warning: watching this movie after reading my review is like realizing that you are experiencing one of those "four hour erections" that they warn about in Viagra commercials, but deciding to take another pill anyway. Read on, and Godspeed.
"Poultrygeist" has a charming premise: that people ought to know better than to build a fried chicken franchise atop an ancient Indian burial ground. It is also a Troma film. Between those two facts, I knew that I had to see it. Troma has a tendency to go completely over the top with gross-out and toilet bowl humor. They possess the unique ability to take anything about the human condition (especially our biological nature) and turn it into the most revolting, most anarchic, and most tasteless movie that you are likely to see this year. That's Troma, in a nutshell, and they outdid themselves this time.
Arbie and Wendy are just two normal teens on a Saturday night, which means that she is lying on her back in the middle of a disused graveyard as he dry humps her. Before long, the pillow talk turns to the fact that Wendy is going away to college, but Arbie is waffling about doing the same. The pair returns to the dry humping, oblivious to the multiple helping hands that erupt from the ground around them. The worst part about this is that one restless Native American zombie jams its desiccated finger up Arbie's butt, where it promptly breaks off. Arbie thinks that it is a gift from Wendy, an....er...adult toy of the sort commonly deployed to that region. Get used to the repellent butt plug, my friends. It crops up multiple times during the movie. Yes, the same mummified finger, over and over. Each time it made another appearance I cringed.
One or two years later, Arbie is attracted to a crowd of protestors who are laying siege to a newly built American Chicken Bunker restaurant. The demonstrators are all members of the local chapter of C.L.A.M. (Collegiate Lesbians Against Mega-Conglomerations), and their signs are the normal tasteful things that we have come to expect in a Troma film; one proudly displays the message "She loves the c**k." Thank goodness that Troma always shows restraint. Just imagine what would happen if anyone crass ever made a movie about C.L.A.M.s, lesbians, and deep fried c**k.
I know that this review is a bit more vulgar than my normal articles. My apologies.
At the protest, Arbie runs smack into his long-lost love, Wendy, now a college-going lesbian. This is where Arbie learns that he had better steer clear of Wendy when Micki is around. It is also where we learn that "Poultrygeist" is a musical! I seriously did not expect that! The songs often strive for comedy, always achieve vulgarity, are frequently mediocre, and at least one channels the Red Hot Chili Peppers with surprising skill, and half of them suuuuuccckkk. However, some of the songs border on genius. How is that for conflicted? Anyway, the pain that Arbie experiences when Wendy rejects him for Micki causes the young man to take a job at the American Chicken Bunker. Are you ready for a Troma film parodying what goes on behind the scenes at a fast food restaurant? Fast food is nauseating enough as it is; once major and minor embellishment is added to the truth, the result is enough to make anybody swear off food.
Yes, even Oprah.
The Native American chicken spirits are soon bedeviling the Chicken Bunker. Paco is pushed into the pullet pulverizing machine and becomes a talking sloppy joe sandwich, Arbie meets an older version of himself that advises against pursuing a long career in fast food, and the General arrives to lead his trans fat troops against the protestor blockade in a musical ballet battle. Perhaps...no...certainly the most offensive scene involves a flabby customer who eats a cursed egg and experiences a rectal tsunami as everything in his body exits via the lower brown door. The audience is treated to a toilet's-eye-view of this gastrointestinal evacuation, and the "Censored" blocks don't help; I think they even made it worse.
If you want to know what makes Andrew Lloyd Webber lie awake in bed at night, what makes him sleep with the lights on, what makes him scream like a little girl - it's probably this movie.
Before long, Carl Jr. takes a partially thawed whole chicken in the backroom for a romantic interlude (yes, ick; this is par for the course). The date does not go well. The haunted chicken comes alive and starts chewing on little Carl Jr.; meaning that anyone who has sustained their sanity this far is now witness to a scrawny bearded redneck screaming as he punches the bloated mutant chicken carcass attached to his groin. Then black blood starts shooting everywhere. The other employees, in a misguided attempt to detach the c**k munching hen from Hell, shove a mop handle up Carl Jr.'s a**. The demonic chicken is torn free, but so is the last three inches of Carl Jr. Junior.
Remember that I said Carl Jr.'s suffering caused black blood to spray all over the place? It landed on the buckets of fried chicken, the same buckets that General Lee Roy offers to the crowd of protestors to change their minds about the American Chicken Bunker. Micki tries it (she'll eat anything, including Wendy and Life cereal), and she likes it! The mob pigs out on infected breasts and wings, then the puking starts. Gallons upon gallons of vomit are expelled. Well, I guess that this is a Troma film. Why shouldn't there be vomiting? Vomiting on objects. Vomiting on people. Vomiting ad nauseam.
The vomiting (there is a bit of vomiting, in case you missed it) signals the transformation of the restaurant's clientele and the protestors into possessed chicken zombies. Feathers sprout from the afflicted in weird places, they grow beaks, and quite a few don funny hats. Carl Jr. also comes back as a zombie; a zombie with a mop handle shoved all the way up its butt and out the front so that it cannot easily maneuver in the narrow confines behind the counter. Things are bad. Faced with an army of the chicken dead, it appears that Arbie and Wendy's gooses are cooked. Just when it looks like the game is over, Lloyd Kaufman charges to the rescue with an assault rifle! He blasts away until Denny's chickenfied corpse bites off his nose.
Yes, it makes sense that losing his nose would kill Lloyd. Have you seen the man? His nose almost qualifies as a limb.
Arbie and the few survivors left flee to the storeroom for a tribute to "Aliens," where indigestion saves them from the biggest, meanest undead chicken monster in the film. Then the group finally discovers that beer is a deadly poison to the zombies. Most of the monsters are wiped out with handy keg, but the movie still isn't over. Why? Why won't this movie end? Why won't these people die? Why can't they leave the restaurant? They are less than fifteen feet from the front door. All they have to do is get out of that door, or die, and the movie will be over. I want the movie to end. I want Humus to take off her clothes. I want these annoying f**ks to die.
The first time I watched "Poultrygeist," I did not like it, and I mean I really did not like it. Subsequent viewings helped me find the parts that I enjoy. I probably missed them the first time because I was b**ching about the parts that I disliked (or found so disgusting as to be distracting). The song "Fast Food Love" and its accompanying montage are just awesome; it's one of those moments of twisted genius that I mentioned earlier. Even some of the disgusting parts, and there are many, were important. A Troma film would not be a Troma film without at least one scene that made you stop and say, "Geez, that is GRODY and SICK." and "Where is the remote so I can rewind and watch it again?" Also, in the end, the movie did give me exactly what I wanted.
Hint: I don't mean the running rotting butt plug joke. That was a bridge too far.
|Things I Learned From This Movie:|| |
- Bras make boys sad.
- No lesbian has ever made a significant contribution to the field of nuclear physics.
- Eating a thousand-year-old egg is the best way to permanently lose weight.
- Projectile diarrhea is just another tool that the Establishment uses to keep the black man down.
- King Kong's sister is a redhead with large breasts.
- "F**k Tibet, free the chickens!"
- The only food more sexually satisfying than a warm apple pie is an uncooked whole chicken.
- Chickens do have teeth, just on the inside.
- Whiskey is to Native American spirits like holy water is to vampires.
- Never allow a barnyard fowl to perform rhinoplasty on you.
- The last part of the male body to decompose is the testicles.
- 3 mins - I think that this is the most disgusting thing that I have ever seen.
- 4 mins - Never mind, this part is much more disgusting.
- 7 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 11 mins - I don't think that Jesus ever said that, and if he did, I don't think he was talking about fried chicken.
- 16 mins - Ahhhh! Ron Jeremy out of nowhere!
- 22 mins - Correction, I think that this is the most disgusting thing that I have ever seen.
- 27 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 31 mins - Meaning, anywhere besides New Jersey?
- 53 mins - While this is not quite as disgusting as that stuff that happened earlier, it's still freaking sick.
- 60 mins - Taken as a whole, this movie might be the most disgusting thing that I have ever seen.
- 71 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
- 86 mins - Why does this movie refuse to end? It has more filler than a spamwich!
| ||Audio clips in wav format||SOUNDS||Starving actors speak out|| |
||Wendy, Arbie, and Micki discuss lesbianism and radioactive elements. A broken nose results.
||Frying Chickens: "Arrrggggghhhhhhh!" |
Arbie: "Hey Denny, is it normal for chickens that have been dead and frozen for weeks to scream in excruciating pain like that?"
Denny: "Hell Arbie, that wasn't a scream. That was just an air pocket bursting and...um...begging for help."
||Just another sappy love song.
||Arbie: "This is not a terrorist thing, and this is not a sodomy thing, this is an angry chicken Indian spirit thing." |
Arbie: "And if we don't find out a way to stop them, we're all going to have mops shoved up our butts!"
|Theme Song|| Listen to a clip from the soundtrack. |
| ||Click for a larger image||IMAGES||Scenes from the movie|| |
| ||Watch a scene||VIDEO||MPEG video files|| |
|The angry chicken spirits are almost ready to exact their retribution, but first: a song.
| ||Leave a comment||EXTRAS||Buy the movie|| |
Posted on July 28, 2009, 11:20:02 PM by p1zl3
Ugh... I could barely finish this travesty. It was as pleasurable as dry-humping a sandy cedar deck!
A good pick for a "worst movie ever" list though!
Posted on July 29, 2009, 08:11:01 AM by Doggett
I haven't seen this yet.
Freakin' £30 for the DVD
Posted on August 01, 2009, 03:00:03 PM by Rev. Powell
I haven't seen this yet.
Freakin' £30 for the DVD
We have a concept called "rentals" here in the US... I thought it would have made it over the pond by now.
Reply #12. Posted on August 01, 2009, 06:52:30 PM by Daft Phully
Oh God, this movie was vile. Really. And not funny. And there is no excuse for that. It made that zombie sheep flick look like Oscar material. I gave my three DVD set away so I would not die with that on my soul.
Posted on August 03, 2009, 03:53:05 AM by Doggett
I haven't seen this yet.
Freakin' £30 for the DVD
It is now £129.99* !!!!
I've never seen a place that rents Troma films.
*I'm starting to regret not buying it when it was £30.
Reply #14. Posted on August 07, 2009, 11:24:48 PM by Tuan Jim
Aren't most DVD players in the UK multi-region capable? Can't you just get the US dvd - or do they not handle NTSC -> PAL?
Reply #15. Posted on August 15, 2009, 11:03:37 AM by Flu-Bird
Combine them with the turkey headed guy from BLOODFREAK and you get the idea their messing with our intellegence
Reply #16. Posted on August 18, 2009, 10:46:57 AM by Dave of the north
After the review I rented this from Netflix, which inexplicably had it in its inventory. I was speechless afterward. I can however say that I have never seen anything like it and I hope to never do so again.
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