Galaxina B-Movie Review

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GALAXINA - 2 Slimes

Rated R

Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 3 March 2007

The Characters:

Galaxina - Android pilot of the Infinity. She reprograms herself via small keypad in her left palm and changes her body temperature, removes the taser function of her epidermis, and activates her speech circuits. All via a small keypad in her palm. Bank of America must use the same model android in their proof department.
Sgt. Thor - Stephen Macht! He is the tough NCO who loves to use the rowing machine and always has a cigar stump in his mouth. So tough that he would kiss an electric fence if it was blonde.
Capt. Cornelius Butt - Avery Schreiber! Incompetent commanding officer of the interstellar patrol ship Infinity. This character became a serious distraction to me, because I equate him with Doritos. All that kept running through my mind was how he could eat so many Doritos and not have his facial hair covered with yellow dust. Maybe he did; then he would take the gathered Dorito pollen back to the hive where other workers would glean it from his moustache.
Pvt. Robert Buzz McHenry - "Buzz" for short. Attired as follows: cowboy hat, bandanna around neck, baseball jersey, cowboy boots, and shorts. Despite all that, he does like women, so long as they are blue.
Maurice - He must be an alien; just look at his skin color. Give him pointy ears and wings to make him stand out!
Sam Wo - What starship would be complete without a peace-pipe smoking Asian man who only speaks Confucius?
Miss Kitty - She runs the Bordello of Ugly. Even the chandeliers hanging from her ears cannot distract one's attention from her face. Yech!
The Alien - Angelo Rossitto! This little guy saves the universe.
Rock Eater - Incarcerated in the ship's brig. He seems to enjoy chewing on rocks (big surprise), but dislikes it when people throw "food" at/to him (not surprising).
Ordric - Robotic maniac that looks like a cross between the Emperor and a bronze Buddha statue. It is ironic that he is searching for a glowing sphere with magical properties. Destroyed.

The Plot:

I have a good friend, Todd, who absolutely loves this movie. Besides "Galaxina," Todd's only vice is picking up loose women at Starbucks, so I think his wife got a pretty sweet deal. Talented, works hard, loves her, and is a great dad for the children, so what if every trip to Starbucks results in an affair? It is not as if he treats himself to coffee every day. Anyway...where was I? Todd loves this movie and his birthday is in March. In addition to sending him a copy of the DVD, this review is for Mr. Reinhart.

Todd and his wife do not read the site, so it is unlikely I have anything to worry about. Besides, Jenn weighs all of 130 lbs, when she is nine months pregnant. Oh no, here comes a female ball of knocked-up fury! What ever shall I do?

Please...

The year is 3008 and the police vessel Infinity is one of many lone patrol ships that ensure the security of the universe. (By the way, this all scrolls out "Star Wars" style, but ineptly done so that any normal person has a hard time reading the text.) To set the stage for the film's misplaced comic intent, the crew of the Infinity is engaged in the age-old art of traffic enforcement. The ship is parked behind an asteroid, just waiting for someone to zoom by at more than a fraction of the speed of light. You know, because speed limits are important in space. Plus, hiding from view behind an asteroid is a good plan. It is not as if spaceships would have radar, mass detectors, or even remote sensor drones.

Flying in the face of all probability, a bird-shaped ship does go speeding past Infinity's hiding place and Pvt. McHenry immediately gives chase. When he attempts to contact the other ship, a hazy hologram of Ordric materializes in the air. The malevolent robot refuses to answer some of the standard questions (who are you, where are you going, what is your secret mission), so the private is forced to notify Captain Butt. That holodeck interview, between Butt and Ordric, results in both ships opening fire. If your idea of cool space combat is three men watching the needle on the meter for the Infinity's shields move from the green to the red, then this is your movie. You should also read the Lensmen books by E. E. Doc Smith.

I actually like the Lensmen books. Somehow, that man made reading about different color shields being overloaded and disappearing an enjoyable experience. Maybe not after the tenth time it happened, but old science fiction stories tended to be repetitive. Look at it this way, Doc Smith never wrote a scene with Avery Schreiber slowly riding a cart down the hallway of an industrial building. I kept wondering if all the security areas that were caged off might be filled with Doritos.

Must...stop...being...distracted...by...Avery...Schreiber.

The Infinity loses the battle. It is not destroyed; the ship is merely damaged so badly that it cannot follow Ordric as he continues on his secret and obviously nefarious mission (It is an E. E. Doc Smith story!). Not one to be put off by life's little setbacks, the Captain happily wanders down to the brig and throws chunks of granite at the Rock Eater as the crew makes repairs. They then sit down for a candlelight dinner. Amazingly, Thor produces an egg he found in the prisoner's belongings. Because he is a pompous butthole, the Captain eats the contents of the egg. It makes him sick and a little alien jumps out of his mouth. The miniature xenomorph disappears into the dark recesses of the passageways.

Kids, if you find an extraterrestrial egg full of a thick, black, viscous substance - I strongly advise against eating it. For all you know, the stuff inside is thousand year-old sambuca. Sure, it could be the yolk of an arsenic-based lifeform and your death will be moderately slow and painful, but what if it was sambuca? I think you would pray for death as you tried to use a belt sander on your tongue; that taste does not go away on its own.

When special missions arise, space patrolmen work twenty-seven on and one off. Quite unfairly, the first integer is measured in years, while the second reflects days. Such is the fate of the Infinity and her crew. The head of the intergalactic police calls them on the fuzzy phone (I am talking about the awful hologram video conference effect) and assigns them to a mission that will require a twenty-seven year trip to the outer reaches of galactic civilization. They must find the BLUE STAR. "Aaaahhhhaaaahhhhh!"

Every time a character says "BLUE STAR" you hear that insane chorus go "Aaaahhhhaaaahhhhh!" The characters hear it too and look around for what could be causing the sound. I finally started laughing at this, especially near the end of the movie when Buzz says "BLUE STAR" and nothing happens. Everyone waits apprehensively as Buzz tries again. "BLUE STAR" - "Aaaahhhhaaaahhhhh!" The cast looks relieved.

I kid you not; it gets funny after the tenth time.

Before the crew locks themselves into their hypersleep capsules, Thor makes a shocking discovery: he is in love with Galaxina. He is also zapped pretty hard when the dumb lug tries to kiss her. The brief romantic contact perplexes the android and she spends the next twenty-seven years reprogramming herself. She also visits the cryogenics room and stares at Thor asleep in his capsule. For me, that would be the worst part about cryosleep. It wouldn't be worrying about what would change, waking up like Rip Van Winkle because something went wrong (or your alien baby played with the controls), or even not waking up at all. I would worry that some freakoid was visiting and watching me through the clear glass cover of the hypersleep unit while they masturbated every day for thirty years. So...unclean. Although, if the freakoid was Dorothy Stratton and she never aged, I might feel differently.

Thor is flabbergasted when Galaxina reveals the new, less likely to shock the snot out of you, female pleasure droid that she has become. I think I liked her better when she didn't talk. Ms. Stratton did not have the sultriest of voices. It certainly clashed with her body. Oh, and you might have guessed that the alien played with Captain Butt's hypersleep unit. He wakes up and is the embodiment of hair.

The BLUE STAR (yes, "Aaaahhhhaaaahhhhh!") is somewhere on a planet originally founded as a penal colony. Hey, check it out, humanity can be found on Earth, Mars, Macragge, and the planet Australia. Except, these descendents of convicted felons did not build an opera house and grace the world with Paul Hogan. The planet is a lawless place, full of tough characters and even tougher saloons. Galaxina is sent to find the artifact. She does so, even defeating Ordric, but is captured by a cult that worships Harley Davidson motorcycles. They are not too different from Harley riders of today, only they also want the BLUE STAR.

Fine. "Aaaahhhhaaaahhhhh!" Happy?

"Galaxina" ends abruptly. The viewer barely has time to take in Thor's rescue mission to recover the...object and Galaxina. Not to mention that they return to the ship and find Ordric is waiting for them. The alien takes out the mechanical menace, the Rock Eater munches...that thing, and the movie is over. I was sorry to see the ship go. The model was detailed and the effects shots of it in space were fine if you ignored the odd black outline that surrounded the Infinity and obscured the stars.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Ikea will eventually become a major defense contractor.
By the 31st Century, the Dodgers will only have one fan left.
Rocky Balboa invented an alternative to the Heimlich Maneuver.
Sublight space travel + cryogenics = beaucoup overtime.
Mimes make lousy prostitutes.
Fashion designers need to use more clear plastic in their clothing lines.
"Human Restaurant" has two, very dissimilar, meanings.
Some religious artifacts run best on unleaded.
Catalogs are full of things that can make your life better.

Stuff To Watch For:

6 mins - Nice matte. Inconspicuous. Sure.
8 mins - Then why is the Infinity equipped with a flashing light and siren?
19 mins - That little bit of space junk was in poor taste, though the creators of the film could not have known it would be back then.
22 mins - Could they fit another candelabra on the table?
28 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS HOLOGRAPHIC BREAST SHOT!
33 mins - One has to wonder just how effective large neon signs are when your business is located on an asteroid.
51 mins - "The engines are out! We're in a flat spin!" Wait a minute, WHAT?
65 mins - I wonder how much longer that elastic can hold.
74 mins - They are so cute when they are little.
75 mins - Talk about an upgrade worth having!

Quotes:

Buzz: "He's gonna finish us off. I want to tell you guys that it's been a pleasure serving with you."
Capt. Butts: "Shut up, you Earth colony nitwit. He's not going to finish us off. He just wanted to stun us - put us out of commission for a while."
Sam Wo: "Robot woman like clock: pretty face, pretty hands, pretty movement, but hard to regulate when she get out of order."

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	galaxina1.wav	Capt. Butt: (Groans) "We are now on the last leg of our seven-year mission. We are en route to Traffic Station number 28, where we are to police the transgalactic corridor. Joy and yummies."
	galaxina2.wav	Police Commander: "We think someone has discovered the BLUE STAR" Chorus: "Aaaahhhhaaaahhhhh!" Crew: "The BLUE STAR? Chorus: "Aaaahhhhaaaahhhhh!" Police Commander: "The BLUE STAR." Chorus: "Aaaahhhhaaaahhhhh!"
	galaxina3.wav	Thor: "Eat the bars. Eat the bars!" Rock Eater: "I don't eat bars; I'm a rock eater. Rock eaters don't eat bars; bar eaters eat bars. Rock eaters eat rocks; that's how we get our rocks off."
	galaxina4.wav	Thor: "If only you had a you-know-what." Galaxina: "Oh, I forgot to tell you. I checked the catalog and they offer you-know-whats as an option."