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THE BLACK HOLE
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| Not Rated
| | Copyright 2006 Nu Image Films
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Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 26 February 2008
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Is it possible to inflict a soft tissue injury on your brain by watching a movie with really bad science in it? Because I think that happened to me. "The Black Hole" challenged everything I know about physics, electricity, the military, and even Judd Nelson. How am I supposed to accept the fact that John Bender graduated high school and earned a doctorate in particle physics?
Okay, let's get down to brass tacks. The basic premise is that the Superconducting Supercollider was actually built, and in St. Louis (under the Planetarium). During a late night experiment, something goes horribly wrong. A tiny black hole forms in the supercollider and a nearly invisible electricity monster escapes from the singularity. The implausible creature roams the halls, disintegrating people, until it breaks out of tbe building and starts feeding off of the city's high tension power lines. The kicker is that, gosh darn it, the electricity monster and the black hole are some sort of symbiotic system. Whenever the creature absorbs energy, the distortion of space-time grows. Luckily, the black hole does not sink into the ground. It just sits on the surface, sucking in St. Louis a couple of buildings at a time.
Soon after the "mishap," Eric Bryce (that would be Judd Nelson), a brilliant scientist, is brought to the Supercollider's control center to brainstorm solutions. Not that the military really wants an egghead solution, because if Dr. Bryce cannot think of something they are going to nuke it. That is right, in the interest of making the military seem like a bunch of stupid idiots the best thing the script writers could come up with is them wanting to drop an atomic bomb on a black hole.
Come on, that is not even trying. At least in a 50's b-movie the Army would want to use their experimental meson cannon or gravity howitzer on the black hole (again causing the scientist hero to wave his hands around in the ages-old sign saying, "that is not a good idea").
Instead of that, I had to watch a bunch of ridiculous "special forces" troops attack the energy monster with concussion grenades and carbines as they attempted to herd it into a metal cargo container. I would have prefered the meson cannon.
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| Things I Learned From This Show: | |
|  | Electric golf carts cannot escape the gravitational pull of a black hole.
| | | In the right lighting, mistaking Judd Nelson for Morgan Freeman is certainly possible.
| | | Special Operations Command owns a fleet of black H2 Hummers.
| | | Never try to arm wrestle something that lives inside of a singularity.
| | | Black holes are the result of God practicing his origami.
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| | | 24 mins - He must have drank some bad eggnog...
| | | 37 mins - And the reason a black hole entity would be annoyed by a car alarm is?
| | | 38 mins - I am going to do other things while waiting for an answer to the above question, because my life expectancy is about seventy-seven years or so.
| | | 44 mins - Why was St. Louis such a target for disaster films in 2005-2006?
| | | 80 mins - The power grid is turned off, but just look at those buildings and streetlamps.
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